It’s been about two months since I’ve written anything. I felt I needed to take a little breather from everything/social media and just work on myself, but I wanted to give a little update about where I am now.
I am seriously thinking about transforming my blog into something very different, something inspirational. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do and I feel like it’s finally time to turn this old thang around and instead of only talking about my hardships, I want to use them to help others.
As most of you know, I had hit the lowest of all of my lows. I had been much lower, but this was the point I had been to where everything just caught up with me. I don’t remember if it was before or after writing my last entry, I completely broke down. I was so angry and I asked God why the hell he would do this to me and put me in this place. I had everything anybody could ever want, but I felt like I had nothing. Justin was finally just done and was moving out, I had a rocky relationship with everybody in my family, I couldn’t effectively communicate with anyone, I lost all of my jobs and hadn’t been looking for anything better and I just felt alone. I couldn’t sleep. All I did was cry. I couldn’t eat. I lost about seven pounds in those few days.
That’s when I decided to pray and give it up to God because that’s really all that I felt I had left, even though a part of was losing faith. That’s when things turned around and I got a glimpse of hope. Justin texted me, because I was out of town, and told me that he was going to stay a couple of months just to help me out. He told me it wouldn’t change anything, but I couldn’t help but be hopeful. Then, I received a message from one of my friends who told me about this place that helped you basically deal with life and cope with your dependency issues. I had a little bit of peace.
A part of me was hesitant, but a few days later after the holiday weekend, I decided to call. I spoke with one of the counselors and a part of me was scared to even go because I still wasn’t 100 percent convinced that I had any type of dependency issues – on a person or a substance. I felt like if I went people would think my “problems” were probably nothing compared to those who have “REAL” issues. After speaking with some family and taking into consideration the things they’ve told me in the past about my alcohol use, etc, I decided to just give it a shot and go. It couldn’t hurt.
I will write more about it another time, but let’s just say that it was the best decision of my life. I have met some amazing people, with amazing stories, who are going through the same thing I am and the counselors there are the best counselors I have ever worked with. I immediately felt welcome and that’s not something I have felt literally right off the bat any other time I’ve gone to therapy and I was wrong – most of the people there are so accepting and extremely caring.
It’s an 8 week program. I am going on my 7th week and I am 20 days sober from alcohol. I know it doesn’t seem like a lot, but for me it was. I haven’t gone 20 days without alcohol since I was probably 18. There’s more I would like to share, but I will share in another post. I am not sure I am quite ready to reveal that much, but let’s just say I have made some amazing progress. The more I admit my “problems” to myself, the more progress I truly make. In a week (and two sessions I have to make up from my recent trip to visit my girl) I will be a graduate and on to the next step in life.
I have been meaning to write this sooner, but haven’t found the right time. I have another blog I manage that’s full of photos and mini blog entries. I was looking back throughout the years and I was just so deep into depression and all of my posts just seemed so unhealthy. Looking back made me realize just how much progress I really have made and I felt compelled to share it.
I am happy with my life and confident in my own skin, finally. Me and Justin’s relationship is healthier than it’s ever been. I am getting along fantastically with Kenny and Lisa and really doing well with the adoption. I am getting along with my family better than I ever have and even find them coming to me for advice at times – that’s crazy. I miss Callie and I always will, but we (Justin, her and I) are strengthening our bond little by little. I’ve lost friends, but it’s for the better. My apartment is always cleaner. I have saved a ton of money. I also got an amazing job and my body and mind feel healthier all around.
Of course, I have rough days and times where I get discouraged. I’m not going to act like I’m so perfect and everything is oh-so amazing. I feel extremely week and oftentimes tempted, but I have better skills to deal with these hard times. Justin and my family have done a great job by sticking with me and supporting me through everything. My family doesn’t drink anymore and sure as hell doesn’t bring it around me and Justin is even working on his communication and other little things, too.
Again, I asked God why he would “allow” me to go through these tremendously difficult times and do things I have felt so ashamed for, but you know what? If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be on my way to where I’m headed. I can’t say I know what that is yet, but for the first time, I feel confident and like I have a purpose somewhere, someway, somehow.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- The photos below are me where I was going downhill – and then one I took today. I can’t believe I thought that was OK. I see a difference. Do you? : )