tumblr_n7ean7gWrl1s9s6obo6_1280

20 days

Nahko and Medicine for the People – Budding Trees

Screen Shot 2014-09-01 at 10.23.26 PMIt’s been about two months since I’ve written anything.  I felt I needed to take a little breather from everything/social media and just work on myself, but I wanted to give a little update about where I am now.

I am seriously thinking about transforming my blog into something very different, something inspirational.  It’s something I’ve always wanted to do and I feel like it’s finally time to turn this old thang around and instead of only talking about my hardships, I want to use them to help others.

As most of you know, I had hit the lowest of all of my lows.  I had been much lower, but this was the point I had been to where everything just caught up with me. I don’t remember if it was before or after writing my last entry,  I completely broke down.  I was so angry and I asked God why the hell he would do this to me and put me in this place.  I had everything anybody could ever want, but I felt like I had nothing.  Justin was finally just done and was moving out, I had a rocky relationship with everybody in my family,  I couldn’t effectively communicate with anyone, I lost all of my jobs and hadn’t been looking for anything better and I just felt alone. I couldn’t sleep. All I did was cry.  I couldn’t eat.  I lost about seven pounds in those few days.

That’s when I decided to pray and give it up to God because that’s really all that I felt I had left, even though a part of was losing faith. That’s when things turned around and I got a glimpse of hope.  Justin texted me, because I was out of town, and told me that he was going to stay a couple of months just to help me out.  He told me it wouldn’t change anything, but I couldn’t help but be hopeful. Then, I received a message from one of my friends who told me about this place that helped you basically deal with life and cope with your dependency issues.  I had a little bit of peace.

A part of me was hesitant, but a few days later after the holiday weekend, I decided to call.  I spoke with one of the counselors and a part of me was scared to even go because I still wasn’t 100 percent convinced that I had any type of dependency issues – on a person or a substance.  I felt like if I went people would think my “problems” were probably nothing compared to those who have “REAL” issues. After speaking with some family and taking into consideration the things they’ve told me in the past about my alcohol use, etc, I decided to just give it a shot and go. It couldn’t hurt.

I will write more about it another time, but let’s just say that it was the best decision of my life.  I have met some amazing people, with amazing stories, who are going through the same thing I am and the counselors there are the best counselors I have ever worked with.  I immediately felt welcome and that’s not something I have felt literally right off the bat any other time I’ve gone to therapy and I was wrong – most of the people there are so accepting and extremely caring.

It’s an 8 week program.  I am going on my 7th week and I am 20 days sober from alcohol.  I know it doesn’t seem like a lot, but for me it was.  I haven’t gone 20 days without alcohol since I was probably 18.  There’s more I would like to share, but I will share in another post.  I am not sure I am quite ready to reveal that much, but let’s just say I have made some amazing progress.  The more I admit my “problems” to myself, the more progress I truly make.   In a week (and two sessions I have to make up from my recent trip to visit my girl) I will be a graduate and on to the next step in life.

I have been meaning to write this sooner, but haven’t found the right time.  I have another blog I manage that’s full of photos and mini blog entries.  I was looking back throughout the years and I was just so deep into depression and all of my posts just seemed so unhealthy.  Looking back made me realize just how much progress I really have made and I felt compelled to share it.

I am happy with my life and confident in my own skin, finally.  Me and Justin’s relationship is healthier than it’s ever been.  I am getting along fantastically with Kenny and Lisa and really doing well with the adoption.  I am getting along with my family better than I ever have and even find them coming to me for advice at times – that’s crazy.  I miss Callie and I always will, but we (Justin, her and I) are strengthening our bond little by little.  I’ve lost friends, but it’s for the better.  My apartment is always cleaner.  I have saved a ton of money.  I also got an amazing job and my body and mind feel healthier all around.

Of course, I have rough days and times where I get discouraged. I’m not going to act like I’m so perfect and everything is oh-so amazing.  I feel extremely week and oftentimes tempted, but I have better skills to deal with these hard times.  Justin and my family have done a great job by sticking with me and supporting me through everything.  My family doesn’t drink anymore and sure as hell doesn’t bring it around me and Justin is even working on his communication and other little things, too.

Again, I asked God why he would “allow” me to go through these tremendously difficult times and do things I have felt so ashamed for, but you know what?  If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be on my way to where I’m headed.  I can’t say I know what that is yet, but for the first time, I feel confident and like I have a purpose somewhere, someway, somehow.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

The courage to change the things I can.

And the wisdom to know the difference.

- The photos below are me where I was going downhill – and then one I took today. I can’t believe I thought that was OK. I see a difference. Do you? : )

579276_10151843743295160_510605255_nPicMonkey Collage

This takes courage

10458153_10154412508520160_5104190132485672714_n

I honestly don’t even know where to start this, but I’m going to come straight out and say it.  I have an alcohol problem and that roots from other problems, as well.  I first started drinking when I moved away for college to New York at 18 and since then, my alcohol intake has been out of control.  It was just months after Callie’s adoption and I was so depressed.  Little did I know that a gradually, over the course of a few years, I would ruin relationships and start to notice people falling off all around me.

The beginning of my problem

The first time I ever got drunk I ended up crying on the kitchen floor of my apartment.  After that, I found myself drinking alone, straight from the bottle of vodka.  I would get sad and drink.  I would sneak vodka into my dorm room, as many other people would, but I would sit there and chug it by myself.  A lot of New York was a blur, honestly.  I had my first real hangover when I woke up in a bathroom stall at a random Colombia University dorm, without any recollection of the night before.  I told myself, “I was never drinking again,” but of course that didn’t last as it never really does.  I didn’t recognize my binge drinking problem, but I found myself going through bottles upon bottles.  I could throw back shot after shot without a cringe and within 45 minutes I was making a fool of myself by 9PM falling on the floor before I even left the building to go out.  I started tallying the number of shots I did on my hand in a 10 minute period and it was disgusting. I was so depressed, crying by myself with my bottle of Skyy in hand and sinking slower and slower into depression. This was almost every night or every other.  Either way it was very frequent.  I would get mad when I couldn’t drink and I never learned to handle situations sober.  It’s a wonder how I passed anything.

Moving home

I finally moved back home because I realized, not that I had a drinking problem, but that I was depressed.  I saw a counselor in New York.  It was stupid.  It didn’t help.  But, I packed my bags to start a new life at The University of North Texas and back with my family.  I got an apartment close by family and I was happy temporarily but did the drinking stop? No. I moved to college, and a lot of college students binge drink and go through that stage, but looking back, mine was more than that.  I guess I was truly a depressed, spoiled little brat.  I would go to parties, end up the center of attention, chugging straight from whiskey bottles, tequila, vodka, beer cans, anything.  It didn’t matter.  Alcohol was alcohol.  Sure it was all fun and games, but when you wake up somewhere you don’t recognize or have no recollection of most of the events from the night before, that’s not okay.  It’s fun and part of a college experience every now and then, but for me, it was much deeper.

Later on

A year later, I met the love of my life.  The drinking got worse and worse because of our history and the cloudiness I had around my thoughts and resentment I held.  Looking back, I was really an unhappy person.  He made me happy like no other.  I never loved somebody so much so fast.  I have a whole blog post worth of notes about the moment I fell in true love with him just two weeks after we got back together after being off and on for 3 years prior.  I drank and I drank and I drank some more.  Unfortunately, it didn’t stop there and I was getting worse and sinking more and more.  I don’t even remember half of the ugly, horrible things I have said and it truly hurts to think about.  I’m not saying every moment was miserable.  There are some amazing memories and times from the past two and a half years.  There were times I wasn’t drinking much and trying to stop, but it never worked.  I enjoyed it.  I like the raw emotion that came from it, until I realized that the “raw emotion” was only good when it was the truth.  Every single horrible thing I’ve said or done, some when I was blacked out, some when I was not, was only from stupidity and truly “lack” of emotion.  Alcohol, for the most part had me acting like a mean person, which anyone who truly knows me, knows I can be the sweetest, kindest and most forgiving person.

The last straw

July 4, 2014.  See that photo, above? I was about 30 minutes to an hour away to being black out drunk for the rest of the night.  It was about 3:30PM and I hardly remember that photo being taken.  It’s hard to admit, but one of the last things I remember is sitting on the boat, telling the person I care about most I’m done with them.  Then I went and yelled and cussed at everyone else I cared about that was around.  Luckily, most forgave me the next day.  Later that night, I can’t even begin to tell you what happened, because honestly I’m not even sure how it went.  I’m embarrassed and shamed, but most of all, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for hurting everybody.  I’m sorry for holding grudges.  I’m sorry for letting it take this long for me to change.  I’m just sorry.  It’s all I can be and that was the last straw for me.  I have hit bottom, I feel like. I can’t believe that it took me this long to realize everything I had in front of me. I let alcohol and I let my spoiled rotten, immature attitude get the best of me.  My life was set out and planned.  I was going to be married sooner than later and start the next chapter of my life, but I was too clouded to see it.

Flash forward

Now, I am four days sober.  I am not saying I won’t ever drink again, because I would like to.  I still can’t figure out if that’s because it helps me feel better or it’s just fun.  I tell myself, once that I get right with myself and figure out who I am, I will be able to control my intake.  I don’t think that’s the case, though.

I’ve been so depressed the past few days.  I can’t eat, I can’t sleep.  I’ve had four small things in the matter of four days.  I want a drink, though. I can’t really stomach anything else, but I realize that one drink will turn into more and more and I don’t know what stupid thing I’ll do next especially in this state of mine.

But, if I don’t let that happen, I feel more at peace than I ever have – for making this decision, making amends with everyone I ever did wrong or held resentment against all of my years and realizing (truly) what needs to change.  I feel I could handle my liquor now, but a couple drinks at a restaurant for me turns into three, four or five.  Then I want to go to the bar, blow $50 more on $3 drinks and keep going.  I feel the pain when I drink.  I feel the pain of my biological father never being there, I feel the pain of Callie being gone, I felt the pain of my recent miscarriage, I feel the pain of relationships I’ve damaged because of my selfishness, spoiled acts and stupidity.  Then, to mask the pain, I keep drinking and act completely stupid.  It’s sad that through most of my photo albums, I was probably drunk or something in most of the photos.  So, no.  I can’t handle it yet, nor do I plan to.

I guess I have been raised a little spoiled and dramatic.  Those who know me are probably laughing saying, “Ha, a little?” I was treated as the only child and grandchild and to my sister and cousins for that, I am so, so sorry.  I was the child of a teen mother who needed help.  I didn’t grow up with that stability the rest of them had.  Then, I got pregnant at 17 and once again, attention was focused completely on me.   I have gone through a lot more than most people my age go through and I couldn’t handle it.  Someone told me, “You don’t know how to handle situations” and it’s true.  I didn’t.  I would react with stress and mean comebacks and snappy attitudes.

Thankfully, I’ve made amends recently with someone who was my best friend in throughout middle and high school.  We won’t ever be friends again, but letting go of that resentment leaves me at peace.  Same goes for my biological father, my mother and any others I’ve done wrong.  This happened over a month ago and it’s really made me happier, but recognizing substance abuse is the next step.  It’s sad when your family and your boyfriend’s family, even the young ones, start telling you these things as well.

I am not like this all the time.  When I’m sober, I do have my issues, but I feel like my judgement on situations has been so damn clouded.  Clouded enough to lose those who have tried so hard on me.  When family starts giving up on you, that’s the hardest part and it’s not just because of alcohol.  It’s because of who I am.  People say that you can’t change who you are, but when you start letting go of the toxicity in your life, whether its a person, a substance or your bad feelings inside, that’s when a person starts to change.

And, that’s what I’m gonna do.  I have to.  For Callie, my loved ones, but most importantly myself.  I made amends with everyone I have had issues with, but forgot about the most important people in my life.  I’m strong.  I can do this.  Whether people believe it or not, I do not care.  This is for me and I’m going to prove and show myself and hopefully everyone else that matters the amazing person that I can be and how much I can love and be there.

Phew, that felt good…

10330966_10203487639249628_1571299399_o

I graduated!

This is going to be short and sweet as I don’t feel there’s much to say.  For those of you who have been following my story since day one, you know how hard it has been for me to graduate college.  I graduated with a bachelor’s in journalism and a minor in marketing.  I am so proud of myself given what I’ve been through and my recent tragedy, as well.  Even though Callie was my main motivation didn’t get to see me graduate, I pray that she will be proud of me in the future.  I’m also so thankful to my mom, my Mimi and Papa and everyone else who pushed me and was there for me through it all. It’s been a long journey that I started when I was only 17, but guess what?

I DID IT!

10336701_10154197980625160_7676018841032000493_n

10322795_567983253316734_2978230643758352628_n10364154_10154203601655160_2664648582659904878_n10253832_10154202468915160_8471517960780768831_n

My pregnancy

My pregnancy has been going good so far, but I just wanted to clear up the rumors.  I asked for prayers on Twitter the other day, but no I did not miscarry.  Me and Justin went and got an ultrasound and I am supposed to be 8-weeks, but according the doctor, I probably ovulated late because of my birth control and the sac is only measuring 6-weeks. There was no baby seen, but that’s because I may be way too early to tell anything.  I go back on Monday to find out what the issue is.  That is why I am asking for the prayers.

I am still exhausted, and I never really ever had any morning sickness. I’ve gained a little weight and have had no spotting or anything like that.

So, I was just asking everyone for prayers and hoping for the best.  I don’t see how I could have ovulated that late and conceived 5 days before my missed period, but I’m praying my birth control really did cause that.  I know God has a greater plan or maybe this was some type of wake-up call because I’ve been so stressed out.

I wasn’t going to say anything, but I really need all the prayers I can.  I’m going through so many different emotions.

Thanks :)

 

It’s true! I’m pregnant with baby number two!

As all of you may know, I am pregnant for the second time with my long time boyfriend Justin Lane, who also happens to be the father of my daughter Callie.

ashley-salazar-teen-mom-011

I just wanted to offer you a quick, personal perspective about how things are between us and why we are ready for a baby.

I know it’s early to announce, but I’m so excited and I’ve had two doctor visits already and my body is holding the baby perfectly!

This wasn’t an “accident” this time.  Not to say that Callie was accident, but at 17 and 18 we definitely weren’t ready for a baby.

We are 22 and 23, both doing extremely well for ourselves and sure, we aren’t married, but have we ever done things traditionally?

Also, Justin is putting money aside every day and saving up for a ring.

We plan to get married sometime after the baby is born AND guess what guys?

I DID IT! Remember all my hope and dreams of graduating college, especially for Callie? Well, I did it! (Almost.)  As of May, I will be an official college graduate…with a bachelor’s degree!

It’s hard and we don’t know what Callie will think, but we will make it work and I pray she will understand when she is older and when that time comes.

I promise I will write more later, I just wanted to clear the air with that.  I am also going to turn this into a mommy-type blog.  I’m going to be breastfeeding, so I’ll be writing a lot about that, too! :)  Can’t wait to keep you updated once again!!!

Update: Callie is three, I’m a senior, and I’m a newly oilfield girlfriend

Jason Mraz – Living In The Moment
thank you, @laurenw79. perfect song!

Wow, guys. Can you believe it? I am actually writing again and it feels really good. I would like to say, “Oh, not much has changed,” but really, so much has changed. I’m not 17 anymore. I’m 21 now. In two weeks I’ll be an official senior in college and my baby girl is almost three-and-a-half years old. So, is it funny that I do not know where to begin?

Wow, oh wow. Let’s see, in my last post, I was terribly depressed and unhappy and probably on some anti-depressant medicine that really should have been anti-anxiety that didn’t work, at all. Damn, what a drama queen I was. I guess I still am a drama queen at times, but I’m much happier these days. I don’t even want to read the rest of that post. Yeah, I still miss Callie a lot and most days I wish things were different but there is nothing I can do about that but watch her grow and enjoy the time that I fortunately have with her.

Now, where do I start? I guess I already started…but, not really. Um, I am still in school. I am a junior at the University of North Texas. Yay. I really just want to graduate. In two weeks, assuming I pass everything, haha, I will be a senior. I am a news journalism major (yuck, considering they have you writing about boring news) concentration in photojournalism and a minor in marketing. Only two semesters left. That’s about eight months of class time. I can do this…slowly but surely.

That’s another thing, though. I really want to take a break to be with Justin. Yes, we are still together and it’s been over a year. But, taking a break from school…stupid, right? No, not to me. I don’t think I’d ever do it, but here’s the deal. Justin’s step-brother-in-law helped him get a new job in Louisiana “snubbing.” He’s in the oil business and what that means is he’s gone two to three weeks out of the month. And, what makes it worse is that he actually had to move to Louisiana indefinitely. So, we packed up, sold all of our furniture, and I moved back into my moms to save for school. Yikes. Just kidding.

Anyway, J will be coming back eventually because he got hired for offshore work, but not for a while. Let’s just say he signed his lease for a year back in February. He has to stay to work in the shop and learn things (?) and make extra money.

It is such a great opportunity but I’ve never really done a long distance relationship. It’s even harder when he is offshore and works 12-13 hour days, everyday, and I only get to talk to him a little bit at the end of the night and sometimes it makes me so sad. And this is for roughly three weeks at a time. I’m sure I’ll get used to it, but going from living together and falling asleep with each other every night and waking up next to each other every morning to seeing each other a weekend out of every month is hard. It would be really different if he were to move home and just leave offshore. But, he can’t do that right now.

He says that he is doing this for us, which honestly means a lot because I feel like I’ve never had anyone care so much for me or do so much for me, honestly. He’s really my best friend and things just fell into place. I honestly thought we would never get back together after we broke up in 2009 and when Callie was born, and I was perfectly OK with that, but we just came together. That’s what makes me think that if things are meant to be, then they will just…be. And things happen when you least expect it. He is so hard working and I am so proud of him. We have been through so much together and at times, I thought we weren’t going to last, but we have always made it through. Him being gone really put things into perspective for us. We don’t take advantage of the time we have together and I think that we really appreciate each other more. Call it stupid, but I don’t know what I would do without him in my life. He supports me and encourages my dreams and future. I am pretty sure this is it, for me at least. And we just want to do things right this time.

Now, the part most of you are probably anticipating. I have already written about Justin meeting Callie for the first time. We have seen her twice since then, and I have seen her one other time. She is three-years-old now and amazing as can be. She is so smart, as I always say. She is getting more and more beautiful every single day and nothing warms my heart more than to hear her say, “I love you too much.”

She is such a happy and bubbly little girl. She is beautiful and she knows it. “Take a picture of me doing this. I’m so pretty,” she says. Those bright blue eyes can charm anybody. I’ll post some photos at the bottom of this entry.

As for me, I am doing great. I’m almost done with my third to last semester of school. I moved back into my mom’s to save for school and wait on my love. It’s good. It was rough at first, trying to find a place to go, since I didn’t want to move back home, but it’s really for the best right now.

In the meantime, I have been anticipating the last day of school and working a little bit on the weekends serving. I have also been working out everyday and eating clean and trying to live a healthier lifestyle. I do Jillian Michaels’ program the 30 Day Shred, and it is killing me!

I am also writing now for Examiner.com and Gather.com which is honestly a great opportunity for me to get my writing out there and started. I am also kind of talking to another HUGE company, which I am totally excited about, but that is for another day.

J comes home in about two weeks or so, so I am completely looking forward to spending some time with him over the summer. We were planning to see Callie and take a couple of vacations, but we decided to just go see Callie spend all of our money and time on her, and maybe spend a couple days out on South Padre Island. I’m 21 now. Ha! It will be fun! We might even camp out on the beach! I’m scared!! I can’t wait for summer though!

I don’t really know what else to say. My life is pretty boring at this point. But, I’m happy and that is what counts. : )

Until next time, yall!

Love,

Ashley

Gather articles
Examiner articles
Twitter – @ashleyslzr

The photos get a bit older as you scroll





















“God, grant me…”

Jack’s Mannequin – There, There Katie

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I need help.  I don’t even enjoy writing anymore.  I don’t even know why.  I feel like it’s useless and writing doesn’t even help anymore.  I’m not even good at it.  Not anymore.

I am happy with my life at the moment, but I feel like I am missing something and I don’t know what it is.  I feel like when I am sad or upset, I find something to be upset about, but when I dig deep down within myself, I think it’s about Callie.  I lost my main source of income, and I can’t afford the counseling that I was getting.  Justin says I need help, and I know.  I do need help because he isn’t the only one that is saying it.  I really am a lot better with the situation, especially with Justin there to help me, but I really do feel like a huge piece of me is just missing.  I would love to have Callie running around here every day.

I am scared, because this sadness is pushing itself onto something else such as my weight, insecurities, body image, stress, school, or anything else that I am “unhappy about” every single day.  I am scared because whatever the sadness pushes itself onto is affecting everyone around me and pushing them away.  Justin and I have been arguing, and I don’t even know why.  Probably because he thinks I’m not happy and it hurts so much to not be able to make the one happy.  I am sure he feels it and i know I definitely feel that way about him.

I want to get better and I want to be happier.  I am so insecure with myself.  I just feel like I can’t be 100% confident with my body and who I am or what I have.  I am always striving for perfection and the next best thing.  I want to be happy again.  I mean, like I have said before, I am happy with what I have now.  I love Justin.  I am blessed to be in school and living in a nice place.  I don’t know what it is.

I think the time I was happiest in my life was when I was pregnant had Callie.  It was stressful, but I was still happy.  I would bounce back from the sadness and knew that I had something there that was so absolutely perfect and beautiful.  Why can’t I do that now?  I have no idea.  I want to.  I try to.  I felt so complete and she turned my life into something that it was never going to be without her.  Everything I am doing, that I do not want to do is for her.  I’m sure she would want to see me happy too, and I know she would want to see Justin and I together as well.  I love him and I do not want to ruin what we have either.  Please, help me.  Pray for me.  Anything.  I want to be secure in myself and who I am.  I don’t want to get mad over things that aren’t worth getting mad about.  I want to control my temper and my actions and my thought process.  At least I can recognize it, and the next step is just fixing it.

I am so happy when I get to Skype Callie.  She always turns my mood around.  She is so beautiful, smart, and big.  She has the biggest sense of humor that I have ever seen in my life, especially from a baby.  I love seeing her happy.  I do.  A part of me just feels like I could be the one making her happy.  Who wouldn’t?  It still kills me to not be able to see her every day.  I think about her every single day and I pray for her all of the time.  Sometimes when I think of her, I cry, and other times I just smile, or brush the thought off all together.  My mom told me that it would get easier as time goes on.  A lot of people have said that.  In a way it is, but in a way, every day it gets harder.  It really does.  I just want to be okay with the things I cannot change.  I want to be 100% happy again.

Major Update – Justin sees Callie

Taylor Swift – Safe and Sound

First of all, I am so sorry I have been so neglectful of this blog.  I quickly re-did it so it is still under some bit of construction.  If you or if you know of anybody who is willing to help me make this blog look amazing, please let me know!

Second of all, I have not written in forever.  I kind of just fell out of it.  That being said, I am sorry if this is a horribly written piece of work – uninteresting, jumbled, and all over the place.

Either way, I hope you enjoy reading this much anticipated update.

Most of you all know that Justin and I got back together about 5 months ago.  Since then we have moved in together and things are going great! I will post some apartment photos later! We are also about to take our second trip to go see Callie together in a few days, which brings me to the main topic of this entry.

Justin met Callie for the first time.  It was amazing seeing them together.  She instantly clanged to him and didn’t even notice his tattoos. ; ) We spent a wonderful Easter with her and Kenny and Lisa. Kenny even took some awesome photos of us three.  She is so beautiful, energetic, and full of life.  Callie also has the biggest sense of humor that I have ever seen.

As soon as Justin saw her, you could tell his face lit up.  Whenever he talks about it, he says that it didn’t actually click in until he saw her in person.  He says he just saw her walking around the corner, in her cute little yellow dress, and that was it.  He was instantly in love.  Who couldn’t be?

Let me also tell you such a cute story about this photo. Callie and I were outside playing with chalk, while Justin was inside. I drew the little girl in the middle with the dress, and I said, “Who’s that?” Then Callie goes, “Me!” So I drew myself to the right and I asked her who it was and she goes, “Mama!” Now, you guys might be wondering what she refers to Justin as. Well, for now, she calls him Justin, until she can form her own opinion. Anyway, just as I was about to draw Justin, she points to the left of her and says, “Draw udtin (justin) here!” It was so adorable.

Now, as you can see, she obviously loves him already. Every time we Skype she asks for him. I just think, “geez, what about me?!” Just kidding. I am happy they click so well. But, there was a time when they were on the trampoline that she didn’t want me. Kenny and Lisa have a beautiful deck outside and we were barefoot on it since we had been on the trampoline previously. To get to the trampoline, you have to walk through the grass, so she asked Justin to carry her to the trampoline. I got up to come, and she says, “No mama! No! No!!” She didn’t want me! I thought she was kidding, so I try to crawl into the net to get into the trampoline, and she continued to say that she just wanted Justin! I couldn’t believe it. I was a little bit sad, but I guess it was okay. It was kind of bittersweet. I’ll just keep telling myself that it is because Justin can do flips and spin her way faster than I can. ; )

We did get to go visit the beach when Callie was napping and had a nice lunch / walk together! <3

 

Saying goodbye was pretty hard for us. It seemed like Justin was going to even cry. Honestly, I feel like he might have a little bit. I don’t know. But I do know that he was sad. Of course, I did. I always do when I have to leave her behind. I felt bad. When we were upstairs with her she told us, “No bye-bye.” Then said “Bye, bye” in the saddest way. Of course, that is how all babies are when they don’t want people to leave. I probably just felt it more. These are some of the last photos of the visit that we took with her.  I am honestly just so thankful to God for letting this work out the way it did.  Callie will get to know both of us, and I have never been so happy.  Justin is doing so great, and I am so glad to see it.

Now, I cannot wait to squeeze that widdle bewwy again!

Lastly, check out these beautiful photos of them together.

Until next time . . .

SOME VIDEOS:

follow me on twitter: @ashleyslzr

Update 1.

Hey, guys. Here is one quick update.  I have lost a lot of weight recently. I’m almost ready for swimsuit season.

Here are some recent photos of me recently for those who haven’t seen.  I have come a long way since I was 17 and started this blog!

Also, for those of you who already aren’t, follow me on my verified twitter and instagram!

twitter: @ashleyslzr

instagram: ashleyslzr

bittersweet blessing

%d bloggers like this: