Catching up: Break ups, Make ups, Justin, Visit with Callie, Life.

Taylor Swift – Ours

So don’t you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water’s rough
But this love is ours

Hi everybody!

This is going to be a post with loads of information.

First of all, I am sorry that I haven’t done a blog post in a month! I think that is the longest I have gone since 2010.  I have been so overwhelmed with school, I hardly have time for anything else.  I am taking 16 hours this semester: 5 classes and a lab.  I guess you could say that my days get extremely stressful at times, and that is an UNDERSTATEMENT.  There is a lot I’d like to do, but I don’t have time to.  I also am trying to find another job just to make some extra cash.  I definitely don’t have the cheapest taste in things, unfortunately.  I guess we will see how that works out – a job, school, and life, I mean.

 

Anyway, It’s about 1:45AM and I can’t sleep!  I am in the middle of a visit with Callie.  I have never been happier than I am when I am with her.  She is growing up so fast.  She is so big and so smart!  Her newest milestone: going potty!  She is basically potty trained.  She is so awesome and has the most amazing sense of humor.  I could really, truly go on for days about her.  I really feel so blessed to be able to have the opportunity to be here for her for nearly everything.  I feel like in some sort of way I can get the experience of both adoption and not exactly parenting, but playing an active role in her life.  The little time that I do have her, though, I am not going to lie, gets hard.  I love it, though.  And it’s fun.  I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but 2 year olds are a lot of work.

 

Everywhere we go now, she has to “peepee” as soon as we get there.  As soon as I get her pants down and toilet paper the whole toilet she says, “no peepee.”  Haha! All I can really do is laugh.  She’s silly, but it is hard to drop what you are doing and everything in your hands to take her!  And of course, following her everywhere.  Thank God I have nothing else going on and I can focus on her 24/7.  But then again, I am really cautious with her.  I don’t want her getting hurt, obviously.  I’m probably over cautious.  Actually, I am sure I am.  I’m not strict at all, but I am very cautious, lol.  If that makes any sense. . . At all.

 

Callie is also doing this thing where if someone says no, she asks someone else.  She does it to me, a lot, and I hope she doesn’t continue, but I can’t tell her no! ; ) I do “discipline” her when necessary, but I feel like I want to give her everything she wants!  I just want to see her happy.  I really am just happy that I can see that she is taken care of, loved, and has everything she needs.  I went to the toy store to get her something and couldn’t find anything.  I did find a Dora the Explorer doll that was kind of cute, but decided not to get it.  Good thing, because she has it already! It kind of made me happy, though.  You know, the fact that she has it all.

Next, as most of you all know, yes.  I am back together with Callie’s father, Justin.  I don’t know why.  I honestly wasn’t planning on it.  I really wasn’t.  I just lived my life and went wherever it or God, whatever you want to say, took me.  It just happened.  Jordan and I broke up a couple of months ago for our own personal reasons, aside from whatever anybody else THINKS it was.  It was really hard on me, yes.  He helped me through an extremely rough time in my life and was a really good friend to me.  We don’t talk right now, but I do thank him and his family for being there for me.  I really do.  I have told them, but I want to say it here as well.  They treated me like family and that was really meaningful.  I don’t want to go into much detail or say anything else, but that is what happened there.

Now, Justin.  I care about him so much.  It was a hard decision and I kept him waiting a while.  I even went through a short time where I told him that I could not talk to him because I was still unsure and also I felt bad about the previous break up that I was going through.  That hurt him, and I apologize, but like I said, I wasn’t planning on us getting back together.  I feel bad because all I would talk about was the break up I was going through.  I don’t know, but he was there for me.  People think that I did this on a whim, without thinking. Not true.  I thought about it a lot.  More than a lot of things I think through.  It wasn’t out of spite, or for attention, or because he made me feel closer to Callie.  It was for me and it was for him. We just came together, like it was meant to be right now.  He makes me laugh every single second of every single day and that is such a big deal to me, laughter is.  I can have my stupid sense of humor, and he will laugh at it.  Or not…then laugh anyway.  :)

My family doesn’t approve at the moment.  I don’t even know if I have financial support from them anymore, totally.  But, I can see why and so can he.  Sometimes I get really insecure, but I have to remind myself that relationships never last like that.  When you are in one, you need to be all in.  100%.  One thing that does bug me, though, is that when my family or people in general say that I am with him for Callie.  1. Of course I would like her to see us together in the long term, but…2. we aren’t raising her.  It would be different if we were 3. Being with him actually makes it harder.  I see a lot of her in him, so it is hard to see and to be with someone I wasn’t with when I had her.  I have to control my thoughts that things are best the way they are right now.  So, no, it definitely does not totally have to do with that.  That bond between us is there.  It always will be.  It only adds to our relationship and strength together.  That’s it.  I am with him for him and for me. Oh, and last but not least, NO. I am not going to get pregnant unintentionally or INTENTIONALLY.  Everyone privately and publicly seem to think that.  Well, it’s not true.  That would be the most stupid and unfair thing I could ever do! To our families, to myself, to him, to the CHILD, and to Callie, most of all.  It just is not going to happen.  It isn’t.

Justin is making a complete effort, though.  He is making a life for himself and doing what he can.  I feel like I barely see him because he is always working.  I have never seen him or ANYONE take this much initiative to do anything and I am honestly very pleasantly surprised.  I am proud of him.  Yes, it is hard for me to accept and forget the past, but I feel like it’s just something I need to do.  Everyone deserves a second chance.  I would want it.

This upcoming series of statements are going to be one of the most controversial ones I could probably make. I don’t know how to explain it with Justin.  I feel like I can be adventurous and fun around him.  I feel like he brings out the best in me, at times.  I can tell he cares.  Three years ago when Callie was conceived, as sad as I am to say this, it was not out of love, as it usually is not with teen pregnancies.  We were not in love.  I feel like this time, we are doing it right.  There are so many feelings I have never experienced before with Justin, as stupid as that sounds.  I haven’t experienced them with him or anybody else.  They are new to me.  It’s different with us.  This seems small, but it means a lot to me: Justin is the first guy to ever get me roses.  He even remembered in small talk that I said I loved pink roses versus red.  For Valentines Day I was surprised with some pink roses and a nice dinner out.  I don’t think I’ve actually felt so nervous for a “date” in a long time either.  I can be myself around him, yet he still makes me nervous and gives me butterflies, I guess.  Corny, I know. But it’s true.  Just everything about Justin, I love.  Even the things that get on my nerves ; ) Just kidding.  I love being at his house and hanging out with friends and “family.”  It just feels right this time.

Seeing Justin turn his life around makes me so proud and I tell him all of the time.  He is a good son to his mom, friend, and boyfriend / friend to me.  He treats me perfectly, but is not afraid to tell me what I need to hear whether I like it or not and he is usually right.  I feel like his choices that he makes are better than mine sometimes.  I have never tried so hard to go about a relationship the right way.  With him, I have so much fun and I’ve never felt so right.  If people could just see how much we care about each other and how this time it is real between us, both.  I don’t know.  Now I am just rambling.

I am happy.   I am sad that I might have possibly disappointed my family, but we are family and we still love each other.  Like I said, my insecurities could eat me alive sometimes, but I am working through it all.

Anyway, I am doing better than I have in a while.  I am doing good with my feelings towards the adoption.  I am looking at the positive side of things and at how happy my baby girl is! I have been having so much fun with friends, etc.  I am doing good in school…I think (just kidding) and I am going to therapy once every week or every other week. (sorry mom…lol $) I am also getting along a million times better and building a stronger relationship with my mom.  I am also working on my faith and I pray as much as I can remember to.  For once in a very, very long time, I feel almost together.  I feel empowered.  No one can take that away from me.  I don’t know what it is, I really don’t…

 

But I like it.

 

follow me on twitter (verified) for more updates and photos: http://www.twitter.com/ashleyslzr

29 thoughts on “Catching up: Break ups, Make ups, Justin, Visit with Callie, Life.”

  1. So glad to hear you say you’re feeling empowered and “almost together”. You deserve happiness. I love hearing that you’re doing well. Keep it up and congratulations on everything :) sounds like you’re a good student too. I hope your family comes around and supports your relationship. Just keep standing your ground :) Callie is so blessed btw. Lucky and beautiful girl

  2. What a very well said and well written post. You seem so happy and don’t let anyone take that away from you! It’s your life and do what makes you happy! Your family will come around eventually. They just need to see what you see. You are very fortunate because a lot of people don’t change in such a positive way like that. I, as well as all your fans I am sure, are ecstatic for you! Callie is so beautiful! She looks just like you! I admire your strength because I could never do what you did. You are a selfless person who loves their child so much she wanted better for her and that is the most selfless thing someone can do. I wish more teens had your strength. Because coming from a divorced family children do need both parents. (though my mom kicks ass and did better playing mom and dad). Enjoy your life and live it up! Do everything that makes you happy! You only live once!

    I’m sorry for any typos or wrong words. I tried being careful and don’t know if any snuck by but my iPhone likes to think it’s smarter than me. Which it is far from. Lol.
    Take care and god bless you, your family, and your dreams!

  3. I am happy for you, people will judge and have their own opinions but as long as you two are good than thats all that matters!! Keep smiling and working hard for you, Callie and Justin!!!

  4. I am so proud of the decision you made. Yes I’m a nobody but I still admire you you’re so inspirational And those haters can keep hating because they don’t know where your heart stand.I have been thru and concord what you are going through..YOU CAN DO IT! GOOD LUCK TO YOUR WHOLE FAMILY BUT MOSTLY YOU KEEP KEEPING ON!!!!
    +

  5. “It kind of made me happy, though. You know, the fact that she has it all.”

    I think this represents a certain sense of maturity that a lot of us have not always seen from you. Though you may not realize it all the time, you are in an incredibly lucky position that not a lot of people who give their children up for adoption are able to experience. You get to see your child often, be an active part of her life, and most all of all, you get to know that she does have the chance to really have it all; what you cannot provide for her, her parents can. The fact that you are not her primary parent does not diminish your role in her life, and ultimately, the knowledge that you made a selfless decision so she *could* have the opportunity to have everything that you could not give her, as much as you may have wanted to or STILL want to, will only strengthen your bond.

  6. I commend you for being so open with everyone about your life. I’m going to have to admit when I first saw that you and Justin were together I was upset. I felt like it wasn’t right, so your post explaining it helped ease my judgmental thoughts. I’m happy for you, I hope things work out.

  7. I am so happy for you! I’ve been checking your twitter so much since you and Justin got back together hoping for you to update your blog lol. I am glad you are feeling good about the adoption, I can’t imagine what you must feel like… you are a great role model for young girls. I am happy for you and Justin, I know some people are saying not nice things but don’t listen to them. You do what makes you happy and you look happier then you have in a long time. You can tell just by his twitter posts that he cares about you haha. You are one of the strongest people I have ever seen. I think your family will come around, they are probably just worried about you. I’m so glad you and Justin are back together and that you are doing so great! God bless you and your beautiful daughter.

  8. This post denotes a higher level of maturity than your previous ones, way to go! You seem to have it together now, glad Justin is making you happy. That’s all that really matters.

    On a different note, keep in mind that those feelings for Callie, the only wanting to see her happy and not wanting to tell her no.. EVERY PARENT has those feelings. You have to push through them and do what’s best for your child. You HAVE to say no, and you have to discipline her. Even if it hurts you to do so.

    Best of luck with everything! Just keep in mind that you’re stronger than you think you are.

  9. You seem to be maturing and understanding which is a good thing. Has he seen Callie yet? I’m glad you two are doing better but I’m curious since you said that your family isn’t supportive.

  10. hi ashley im just corious about the fact that you get to se callie wich is amazing…but does justin gets tosee her..dos he wants to se her?

  11. Hi Ashley,
    I’m not one to write to people on TV or even watch reality shows but I watched your show and the follow-up and seeing your pain really got to me. I can’t imagine going through what you’ve been through. I’m really impressed at how well you’ve done despite everything though. You’re so strong and I think you have a very bright future, surely with a family of your own some day. And Callie will always be there. She is a lucky little girl to have so many people who love her and she’s lucky to have you in her life.
    This may be a silly suggestion, but have you thought about possibly getting a pet, like a kitten? A kitten is of course not at all the same as a child but it’s nice to have something to care for and that will love you back. It’s nice to have someone there when you come home and to hug and cuddle with when you’re sad. I got my first dog after I had my second miscarriage and it was very helpful to have her. You can’t have a dog as a busy college student but cats are independent enough yet still dependent enough to be close to. I now foster cats and kittens and they are so much fun and very uplifting when you’re not feeling to good. I also think it’s a really good feeling to help an animal who would be killed or live a miserable life otherwise. In a couple of months shelters will be full of kittens, many of whom will be put down because there aren’t enough people to adopt them all and it’s pretty cool to actually be able to save a life. If you like animals I think it may be very beneficial for you. I just thought I’d bring that up.

    Keep up the good work! You’re a true inspiration.

  12. I’m so happy to hear that you and Justin have managed to sort your differences and are back together. At the end of the day you can’t help who you fall in love with just as long as your both happy together other people’s opinion’s shouldn’t matter. I’m sure your family will come round in the end when they see just how happy he makes you. Your a strong girl and this could be your happy ending kind of thing maybe?

    Good luck with everything your a beautiful strong girl! Just remember ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’. Again I’m so happy to see that your happy you deserve to be happy!

  13. I am watching your 16 & Pregnant for the first time. I usually never miss an episode. But I want to say that I applaud you for making the decision you did. Keep your head up. Keep moving and find faith and strength in your love for Callie and Justin.

  14. I thought Callie looked exactly like you.. until I saw Justin. She is a perfect mix of the two of you. She’s gorgeous.

  15. As long as you’re doing well in school, and your other responsibilities are not neglected your family has no say in who you choose to date. Only you know what makes you happy. It’s the life that you have to live, not them, so you live it to suit your needs. You have given up more than enough to keep others happy already. It’s now their turn to give a little of themselves to the cause of your happiness.

  16. Just wanted to share this quote with you
    ~Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you’ll be criticized anyway~ -Eleanor Roosevelt

  17. Hi! I find your blog :) You are amazing.. and so strong.. You have beautiful daughter :)
    good luck and greetings from Poland :))

  18. Wow, Ashley, it seems like no matter what you do, it’s the wrong thing. Not even just in the Callie situation! Personally, I think Callie is the luckiest girl in the world, but that’s just me. But on the Justin front, you FINALLY find something that really makes you happy besides Callie. You find someone who you truly connect with, someone who youcan’t get enough of and who keeps you smiling, and then you have to worry about your families support? That is just not fair at all to you. People really do change, and I think you’re a prime example of that. Of course you’ll always be messed up because of your situation, but from a third-person experience, you have grown up and matured so very much. Like I said, you’ll always be hurting from your experience with adoption, it’s not something you can just get over, but I think you’ve handled it much better than many people (including me) would. If Justin really makes you happy, if he really makes you smile and you have such a strong connection with him, then I say don’t let anyone or anything screw that up. He is obviously a different person than he was, what, 3 years ago? Of course he scarred you, but if you can move on from that and if it made you a better person, then why can’t your family? As for Jordan, based on what you’ve told us, he’s always pegged me as more of a “friend” anyways, which is probably just what you needed, and you can always be grateful for that. Now for Callie. Oh my goodness she is so beautiful and she is so funny in those videos! She seems like she is the happiest, most spoiled and precious baby on the planet! She is getting so big! I “followed” you since actually right before you found out she would be a girl, so I guess it’s strange seeing how much you and your situation is constantly changing. Ultimately, I just want to say kudos on growing up; with what you were given, with the cards you were dealt, you are doing the best job that you can. Your family will *hopefully* come around if he treats you right, of course you’ll always have Callie in your life, and you’re surrounded by people (whether they act like it or not) who love you, and that’s all that matters, right?

  19. Ashley, this is the first time I have ever visited your page. I am 52 years old and a fan of the show. I remember seeing you the first time you were on the show. you broke my heart. Today I saw the episode on mtv. Broke my heart again. But when I went to this page, you made me proud. You did something that most moms could never do. I have always remembered that 1st time I saw you on the show. You are a strong and special girl. Dont ever thing that you are anything less. Your happiness is what matters in life. I will pray for you to live a happy life and be happy. Only you know whats makes your heart happy. Right???

  20. Dearest Ashley,

    I just finished watching your episode of 16 & Pregnant, & I want you to know that every moment that made you cry, brought tears to my eyes as well. It was like watching the saddest movie ever but trying to put yourself in the main characters shoes.

    I think that you are a very strong woman & you can achieve and excel in anything you put your mind to, & I also believe that you made the very best decision you knew how to at the time and the fact that you can still watch Callie grow up & see the smiles on her face are all that matters.

    Sadly, I am NOT parent..But I was supposed to have been one & I know I would’ve been the best mommy that I could have been. The toughest thing for me, was the fact that I did not really have a choice in aborting my child. I was 100% against abortion and adoption, I always believed that if you were adult enough to make a baby then you were adult enough to raise it as well.

    Unfortunately, the babys father & I were never in an actual relationship and when he found out that I was pregnant, things got real ugly real fast. He threatened to kill me or my family if I didn’t give up the baby and was even supported by his mother in dragging me down to the local Planned Parenthood..(If I had know then what I know now, I’d have reported them & kept my baby).

    So for me the loss of my child was a matter of life & death at the time, not because I was involved with a gang or the wrong kind of people, but sadly the babys father was.

    At the time, my mother was a couple months pregnant with my youngest brother & I was super excited at the fact that they would grow up so close in age, like siblings. I was ecstatic. That is probably one of the toughest things for me is remembering the “what could have beens”. & Just like you were induced with the hopes of not ruining Christmas each year, sadly I was 6 1/2 weeks along and it was the day after my 21st birthday that I was forced to give up my baby.

    But i am so proud of you, because at least you had the choice and you made it with so much support from your family standing behind you. At the time, I had no one. Watching 16 & Pregnant, especially episodes like this continues to remind me of what could of been. & I have tried many times since then ( It’s been 5 1/2years since) to conceive another child and I pray to GOD that having that abortion is NOT the reason I have not been able to have another baby.

    It kills me everyday to see my friends with 1, 2 even 3 kids and even to see people with kids that clearly dont deserve to be parents and I just want to cry…Because I want to be mommy…..

    I guess the most of what I am trying to say, is to never give up on anything in life. Keep going for your goals and don’t let ANY of these online no life haters bring you down ever. Keep staying strong, & know that someday Callie WILL know who you are and I am pretty sure that she may be too old to call you “Mommy” by then, but she will know that you are mom! :-)

  21. Better late than never I suppose! Kudos to you and your progress and congrats on all your accomplishments, especially school! You are an extraodinary young woman with lots of potential. Don’t let negative people, or anything else bring you down! *hugs*

  22. I am sorry to say I have talked smack on here about you because I felt you were immature. I must say, I think you have grown so much. I am sad you don’t raise your baby but glad you see her . And that is awesome about you and Justin

  23. I am happy that you are finally at peace with your decision and in a better place. Your episode makes me cry like a baby every time i see it. I think your mom should of done more to help you keep Callie. I understood her not wanting you to struggle but in the end it should of been your decision and she should of been supportive and tried to do all that she can do to help you. It was like she stacked all the odds against you so they’re be no possible way that you could keep Callie. Really heartbreaking.

  24. Sweet baby girl. Great update!
    Make sure her chest clip is at her arm pit level, and her.straps are at or above her shoulders so they don’t slip off like that

  25. I have no idea how strong you are, if I were in your position, it would be very difficult to prove our family and get supports from them. However, you deserve happiness and hope you all the best.

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