Major Update – Justin sees Callie

Taylor Swift – Safe and Sound

First of all, I am so sorry I have been so neglectful of this blog.  I quickly re-did it so it is still under some bit of construction.  If you or if you know of anybody who is willing to help me make this blog look amazing, please let me know!

Second of all, I have not written in forever.  I kind of just fell out of it.  That being said, I am sorry if this is a horribly written piece of work – uninteresting, jumbled, and all over the place.

Either way, I hope you enjoy reading this much anticipated update.

Most of you all know that Justin and I got back together about 5 months ago.  Since then we have moved in together and things are going great! I will post some apartment photos later! We are also about to take our second trip to go see Callie together in a few days, which brings me to the main topic of this entry.

Justin met Callie for the first time.  It was amazing seeing them together.  She instantly clanged to him and didn’t even notice his tattoos. ; ) We spent a wonderful Easter with her and Kenny and Lisa. Kenny even took some awesome photos of us three.  She is so beautiful, energetic, and full of life.  Callie also has the biggest sense of humor that I have ever seen.

As soon as Justin saw her, you could tell his face lit up.  Whenever he talks about it, he says that it didn’t actually click in until he saw her in person.  He says he just saw her walking around the corner, in her cute little yellow dress, and that was it.  He was instantly in love.  Who couldn’t be?

Let me also tell you such a cute story about this photo. Callie and I were outside playing with chalk, while Justin was inside. I drew the little girl in the middle with the dress, and I said, “Who’s that?” Then Callie goes, “Me!” So I drew myself to the right and I asked her who it was and she goes, “Mama!” Now, you guys might be wondering what she refers to Justin as. Well, for now, she calls him Justin, until she can form her own opinion. Anyway, just as I was about to draw Justin, she points to the left of her and says, “Draw udtin (justin) here!” It was so adorable.

Now, as you can see, she obviously loves him already. Every time we Skype she asks for him. I just think, “geez, what about me?!” Just kidding. I am happy they click so well. But, there was a time when they were on the trampoline that she didn’t want me. Kenny and Lisa have a beautiful deck outside and we were barefoot on it since we had been on the trampoline previously. To get to the trampoline, you have to walk through the grass, so she asked Justin to carry her to the trampoline. I got up to come, and she says, “No mama! No! No!!” She didn’t want me! I thought she was kidding, so I try to crawl into the net to get into the trampoline, and she continued to say that she just wanted Justin! I couldn’t believe it. I was a little bit sad, but I guess it was okay. It was kind of bittersweet. I’ll just keep telling myself that it is because Justin can do flips and spin her way faster than I can. ; )

We did get to go visit the beach when Callie was napping and had a nice lunch / walk together! <3

 

Saying goodbye was pretty hard for us. It seemed like Justin was going to even cry. Honestly, I feel like he might have a little bit. I don’t know. But I do know that he was sad. Of course, I did. I always do when I have to leave her behind. I felt bad. When we were upstairs with her she told us, “No bye-bye.” Then said “Bye, bye” in the saddest way. Of course, that is how all babies are when they don’t want people to leave. I probably just felt it more. These are some of the last photos of the visit that we took with her.  I am honestly just so thankful to God for letting this work out the way it did.  Callie will get to know both of us, and I have never been so happy.  Justin is doing so great, and I am so glad to see it.

Now, I cannot wait to squeeze that widdle bewwy again!

Lastly, check out these beautiful photos of them together.

Until next time . . .

SOME VIDEOS:

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Day 5

I want to cry, but it won’t come out really.  I’m doing alright though.  A LOT better than last time.  Of course I’m always going to feel some sadness, but the happiness will soon overcome the sadness knowing that she is taken care of and I can see her anytime I want to.

I’m glad I have all the support.

I laugh, though, at how I have a whole blog post on someone elses site dedicated to me and my wrong doing.  Also, how because I didn’t breast feed I don’t care? Haha. And other people say my relatives aren’t loving because they TOOK the baby away?  How about EVERYTHING that happened was on my terms.  Even getting her back, was about me.  So don’t talk about things you don’t know.  I’m not even going to REPORT that post, because I could, like somebody threatened to report me to the law.  I’m not going to report it because, I don’t care.  I find it amusing that many women are taking time to talk about me and Callie.  Who cares. Thanks.  If you want the link , ask me.  It’s basically a whole thread about how messed up I am for sharing my story with other teenagers on MTV.  This isn’t for fame.  It’s so other teenagers will think twice.  I know seeing the first season would have helped me.  It does not glamorize teen pregnancy.  I just want teens to be able to realize the severity of it.  Which is why I decided to share my story and how much I have truly struggled.  Not for fame.  My ads on my site, honestly get me 0.00 a day.  Want to see a screenshot?  The money MTV gave me I could spend on a TV.  It is not about the money.  Who cares about it.  It’s to help.  One of the things I’m deciding on being is a social worker to help young women make decisions, for adoption or against.  Whatever they may think is best for them.  I don’t know.  Too much to explain.  Only I know me, and only I know what my intentions are.  Maybe this joy21 will delete it.

Yes, I read it.  It pops up on my blog admin.  Seriously.  People continue to stalk me and get personally involved when no one asks them to.  That is just…scary.

And I don’t care what everybody says, i talk to these girls.  They are all awesome.  I feel like I’ve known them and we all support each other. Come at me with the criticism. Let’s see who can hold their tongue. And again, do NOT criticize my family. You don’t know anything about them. You are all stuck in your depressed lives full of hurt deep down and it projects and a little bit insane.

-ok, so the tears finally came, and a lot.  i’m hurting, no doubt. who wouldn’t.  going out all the time only goes so far.  tonight i stayed in, thats probably why.  for anyone that says that i did this out of selfishness, why would I put myself through this? anyway…

Day 4

My days have been pretty lame.  I have spent about 200 dollars in clothes, and i stay out until I’m exhausted so I can keep my mind off of things, then just fall asleep.  I really haven’t cried much and i feel really bad about that.  But it’s like hurting inside.  I just think I’ve been so distracted that I don’t.  I go back to work tomorrow.  Sucks

Day 3

Feel okay.  Take it day by day.  Cried finally.  But, I try to just focus on other things.

Day 2

I feel angry.  Still hasn’t kicked in quite yet

Day 1

The way I figured I would feel. Sad and lonely. But it hasn’t kicked in yet. I know it will, though. Blah. Sucky. The only thing is that I was much more prepared and I still stand in my decision.

Decision

Many of you have been asking how my aunt and uncle felt because of all my indecisiveness.  I talked to my aunt today and they had been feeling almost as bad as I had because of someone they thought was going to be their child too was “taken away” from them. All this time I thought that no one could feel as much pain as I had felt, which may be true, but they did get a very close glimpse of it and had to go through a longer grieving process than I did.  I am truly blessed and thankful that I have such a wonderful family and that they are such awesome people to let me take this time to really focus on my decision and make the right one with as much time as I needed.  But, after all this time and thinking and going back and forth, I finally made up my mind to stick to my original plan and let these amazing people adopt Callie.
When I saw Callie at the hospital all of my original reasons and confidence and all the strength I used to argue against everyone that was against me went out the door.  That wasn’t fair to Callie.  I have been meeting with my original counselor/social worker from Gladney and she helped me to sort through everything and make the right decision for me.  So after a month of struggling I finally made my decision that I was afraid to make the whole time.  The decision that I always deep down felt was right and knew was right from the very beginning.  Most of you will say my reasons such as wanting her to have a “guaranteed” future, two parents that STAY at home, or constant attention all day (only a few of the many reasons) might not matter or that I can give her way more, but that’s not always true.  I can give her love.  I can’t give her constant attention, nor do I have the luxury of being able to stay home.  Usually it’s a stay at home mom, you know?  But in this case there is a stay at home mom and a stay at home dad.  It’s pretty awesome, to me.  Basically, I’m just not ready or in any position to raise a child, but I have the best situation anyone could have in an adoption.  I’ll still always be in her life and she will always be able to know my story and also that I did try.  I will know she’s well taken care of and there are many that can’t HONESTLY say that about their child.  I really don’t know what else to say, maybe I’ll think of more later.  And of course, it’s going to be hard, and I’m ready to face that pain again, although, this time it won’t be because I’m feeling pressured or not at peace with my decision, but just because I miss her.  Not because I’m not confident.  I am 100 % confident I am making the right decision now.  I will always know and rest assured that Callie is going to be happy, healthy, and taken care of.  There is no guarantee for the future or how anyone will feel, just like there is no guarantee for the future of parenting, but i learned that I just have to take it day by day and know that Callie is in the best situation she can possibly be in.

forgotten

i have forgotten all of my reasons that i stood up for so many times about adoption. and i said in the past, i would do anything in my power to take all of Callies pain that she will EVER experience, for her, and maybe this is my chance. I really don’t want to do it, but all of my reasons when asked have been, I wont get to see her grow up in front of me, i wont get to see her laugh for the first time or talk or walk.  For instance, today she smiled BIGGER than she has EVER smiled before.  Like wide open jaw.  It was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

But as time goes on, I think of other things I don’t want her around.  My house sucks sometimes.  I don’t want her around arguing and unhappiness. I know for a fact I don’t have a bad life and there are worse households out there, but I don’t want her around any bit of arguing or conflict, because look at how I turned out.

And although i feel totally pressured beyond belief to make a fast decision, i guess it has to be done. I feel really bad for what i’m causing everybody to feel, too. and some have made it clear that its really bad.

i went back and read some of my previous posts, and i just wanted the best life for Callie that I couldn’t give her.  Haha, I used to call her “it” before I knew what she was.  But thats besides the point. i think im scared to feel the way i felt again.  like i seriously wanted to kill myself.  not that i would ever do that, but i’m not exaggerating.  That is the graphic truth.  I felt like i wanted to die.  I’ve never felt like that.  But like i said, if that’s the pain i have to take, i will.  this is the worst possible thing ever. Its true what they say, it gets easier.  She sleeps through the whole night now.  But also, as soon as something gtes easier, something else gets harder.  Its so confuinsng dlkfjslkfj im done writingi dont want to deal right now

Better

I am getting a lot more sleep. Getting a lot more done with college. I’m almost done. And I get to go to my work orientation. I feel a lot better. I have just been thinking and I sometimes worry for Callies sake for the future. I think adoption / parenting both have it’s disadvantages and either way she might be upset with me for whatever happens. We all are upset with our parents for something, no matter what it is. And I know a lot of the readers will not agree with this statement, but it is definitely true in my opinion: I think keeping her gives her more reason to resent me later in the future. For many reasons. It just seems that way, that all kids blame their parents for SOMETHING.

and oh my gosh…for those of you that say all kids resent their parents for adoption, that’s not true. i almost want to prove to you that that isn’t true. of course i would never base any decision out of spite but I know plenty of people who were put up for adoption that are so happy that their parents did. seriously, your pain isn’t the same as others and trying to inflict it on other people…i don’t even know. Just, wow.

Well, I got a call for orientation first thing tomorrow morning for a job. I have to turn it down because my mom works all the time and there is no one to watch Callie in the morning for orientation. And I dont want to leave her with just anyone. The job is evenings but orientation is tomorrow morning and I even need to go out and buy the type of clothes it requires. I dont have any time to do that either. I also have to go up to the high school and college to get all my college transcripts. The line at the college is almost an hour wait unless I go first thing in the morning at 8:00 and it’s way too cold to take Callie out. It has taken me almost a week to finish this college application that i ALREADY have an extension on. I suggested finishing going to a community college to get my basics. It’s cheaper and seems like my only option at this point, but it seems like everyone is pushing me to apply to a university. I’m applying to New York Universities. What am I supposed to do with Callie when I go? What if there is NO “family housing” or whatever. And I feel like i can’t take the nights anymore. I know its not forever but im so exhausted and I hate feeling upset and stressed. I really want to keep her but I don’t want her to hate me later for being so busy and not being there for her. It feels like I have no time to spend with her when she’s awake because I’m so stressed out with having to be organized and clean, finish college apps by each deadline, run errands, find a job…

i just cannot handle this