“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
I need help. I don’t even enjoy writing anymore. I don’t even know why. I feel like it’s useless and writing doesn’t even help anymore. I’m not even good at it. Not anymore.
I am happy with my life at the moment, but I feel like I am missing something and I don’t know what it is. I feel like when I am sad or upset, I find something to be upset about, but when I dig deep down within myself, I think it’s about Callie. I lost my main source of income, and I can’t afford the counseling that I was getting. Justin says I need help, and I know. I do need help because he isn’t the only one that is saying it. I really am a lot better with the situation, especially with Justin there to help me, but I really do feel like a huge piece of me is just missing. I would love to have Callie running around here every day.
I am scared, because this sadness is pushing itself onto something else such as my weight, insecurities, body image, stress, school, or anything else that I am “unhappy about” every single day. I am scared because whatever the sadness pushes itself onto is affecting everyone around me and pushing them away. Justin and I have been arguing, and I don’t even know why. Probably because he thinks I’m not happy and it hurts so much to not be able to make the one happy. I am sure he feels it and i know I definitely feel that way about him.
I want to get better and I want to be happier. I am so insecure with myself. I just feel like I can’t be 100% confident with my body and who I am or what I have. I am always striving for perfection and the next best thing. I want to be happy again. I mean, like I have said before, I am happy with what I have now. I love Justin. I am blessed to be in school and living in a nice place. I don’t know what it is.
I think the time I was happiest in my life was when I was pregnant had Callie. It was stressful, but I was still happy. I would bounce back from the sadness and knew that I had something there that was so absolutely perfect and beautiful. Why can’t I do that now? I have no idea. I want to. I try to. I felt so complete and she turned my life into something that it was never going to be without her. Everything I am doing, that I do not want to do is for her. I’m sure she would want to see me happy too, and I know she would want to see Justin and I together as well. I love him and I do not want to ruin what we have either. Please, help me. Pray for me. Anything. I want to be secure in myself and who I am. I don’t want to get mad over things that aren’t worth getting mad about. I want to control my temper and my actions and my thought process. At least I can recognize it, and the next step is just fixing it.
I am so happy when I get to Skype Callie. She always turns my mood around. She is so beautiful, smart, and big. She has the biggest sense of humor that I have ever seen in my life, especially from a baby. I love seeing her happy. I do. A part of me just feels like I could be the one making her happy. Who wouldn’t? It still kills me to not be able to see her every day. I think about her every single day and I pray for her all of the time. Sometimes when I think of her, I cry, and other times I just smile, or brush the thought off all together. My mom told me that it would get easier as time goes on. A lot of people have said that. In a way it is, but in a way, every day it gets harder. It really does. I just want to be okay with the things I cannot change. I want to be 100% happy again.
First of all, I am so sorry I have been so neglectful of this blog. I quickly re-did it so it is still under some bit of construction. If you or if you know of anybody who is willing to help me make this blog look amazing, please let me know!
Second of all, I have not written in forever. I kind of just fell out of it. That being said, I am sorry if this is a horribly written piece of work – uninteresting, jumbled, and all over the place.
Either way, I hope you enjoy reading this much anticipated update.
Most of you all know that Justin and I got back together about 5 months ago. Since then we have moved in together and things are going great! I will post some apartment photos later! We are also about to take our second trip to go see Callie together in a few days, which brings me to the main topic of this entry.
Justin met Callie for the first time. It was amazing seeing them together. She instantly clanged to him and didn’t even notice his tattoos. ; ) We spent a wonderful Easter with her and Kenny and Lisa. Kenny even took some awesome photos of us three. She is so beautiful, energetic, and full of life. Callie also has the biggest sense of humor that I have ever seen.
As soon as Justin saw her, you could tell his face lit up. Whenever he talks about it, he says that it didn’t actually click in until he saw her in person. He says he just saw her walking around the corner, in her cute little yellow dress, and that was it. He was instantly in love. Who couldn’t be?
Let me also tell you such a cute story about this photo. Callie and I were outside playing with chalk, while Justin was inside. I drew the little girl in the middle with the dress, and I said, “Who’s that?” Then Callie goes, “Me!” So I drew myself to the right and I asked her who it was and she goes, “Mama!” Now, you guys might be wondering what she refers to Justin as. Well, for now, she calls him Justin, until she can form her own opinion. Anyway, just as I was about to draw Justin, she points to the left of her and says, “Draw udtin (justin) here!” It was so adorable.
Now, as you can see, she obviously loves him already. Every time we Skype she asks for him. I just think, “geez, what about me?!” Just kidding. I am happy they click so well. But, there was a time when they were on the trampoline that she didn’t want me. Kenny and Lisa have a beautiful deck outside and we were barefoot on it since we had been on the trampoline previously. To get to the trampoline, you have to walk through the grass, so she asked Justin to carry her to the trampoline. I got up to come, and she says, “No mama! No! No!!” She didn’t want me! I thought she was kidding, so I try to crawl into the net to get into the trampoline, and she continued to say that she just wanted Justin! I couldn’t believe it. I was a little bit sad, but I guess it was okay. It was kind of bittersweet. I’ll just keep telling myself that it is because Justin can do flips and spin her way faster than I can. ; )
We did get to go visit the beach when Callie was napping and had a nice lunch / walk together! <3
Saying goodbye was pretty hard for us. It seemed like Justin was going to even cry. Honestly, I feel like he might have a little bit. I don’t know. But I do know that he was sad. Of course, I did. I always do when I have to leave her behind. I felt bad. When we were upstairs with her she told us, “No bye-bye.” Then said “Bye, bye” in the saddest way. Of course, that is how all babies are when they don’t want people to leave. I probably just felt it more. These are some of the last photos of the visit that we took with her. I am honestly just so thankful to God for letting this work out the way it did. Callie will get to know both of us, and I have never been so happy. Justin is doing so great, and I am so glad to see it.
Now, I cannot wait to squeeze that widdle bewwy again!
Lastly, check out these beautiful photos of them together.
So don’t you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water’s rough
But this love is ours
This is going to be a post with loads of information.
First of all, I am sorry that I haven’t done a blog post in a month! I think that is the longest I have gone since 2010. I have been so overwhelmed with school, I hardly have time for anything else. I am taking 16 hours this semester: 5 classes and a lab. I guess you could say that my days get extremely stressful at times, and that is an UNDERSTATEMENT. There is a lot I’d like to do, but I don’t have time to. I also am trying to find another job just to make some extra cash. I definitely don’t have the cheapest taste in things, unfortunately. I guess we will see how that works out – a job, school, and life, I mean.
Anyway, It’s about 1:45AM and I can’t sleep! I am in the middle of a visit with Callie. I have never been happier than I am when I am with her. She is growing up so fast. She is so big and so smart! Her newest milestone: going potty! She is basically potty trained. She is so awesome and has the most amazing sense of humor. I could really, truly go on for days about her. I really feel so blessed to be able to have the opportunity to be here for her for nearly everything. I feel like in some sort of way I can get the experience of both adoption and not exactly parenting, but playing an active role in her life. The little time that I do have her, though, I am not going to lie, gets hard. I love it, though. And it’s fun. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but 2 year olds are a lot of work.
Everywhere we go now, she has to “peepee” as soon as we get there. As soon as I get her pants down and toilet paper the whole toilet she says, “no peepee.” Haha! All I can really do is laugh. She’s silly, but it is hard to drop what you are doing and everything in your hands to take her! And of course, following her everywhere. Thank God I have nothing else going on and I can focus on her 24/7. But then again, I am really cautious with her. I don’t want her getting hurt, obviously. I’m probably over cautious. Actually, I am sure I am. I’m not strict at all, but I am very cautious, lol. If that makes any sense. . . At all.
Callie is also doing this thing where if someone says no, she asks someone else. She does it to me, a lot, and I hope she doesn’t continue, but I can’t tell her no! ; ) I do “discipline” her when necessary, but I feel like I want to give her everything she wants! I just want to see her happy. I really am just happy that I can see that she is taken care of, loved, and has everything she needs. I went to the toy store to get her something and couldn’t find anything. I did find a Dora the Explorer doll that was kind of cute, but decided not to get it. Good thing, because she has it already! It kind of made me happy, though. You know, the fact that she has it all.
Next, as most of you all know, yes. I am back together with Callie’s father, Justin. I don’t know why. I honestly wasn’t planning on it. I really wasn’t. I just lived my life and went wherever it or God, whatever you want to say, took me. It just happened. Jordan and I broke up a couple of months ago for our own personal reasons, aside from whatever anybody else THINKS it was. It was really hard on me, yes. He helped me through an extremely rough time in my life and was a really good friend to me. We don’t talk right now, but I do thank him and his family for being there for me. I really do. I have told them, but I want to say it here as well. They treated me like family and that was really meaningful. I don’t want to go into much detail or say anything else, but that is what happened there.
Now, Justin. I care about him so much. It was a hard decision and I kept him waiting a while. I even went through a short time where I told him that I could not talk to him because I was still unsure and also I felt bad about the previous break up that I was going through. That hurt him, and I apologize, but like I said, I wasn’t planning on us getting back together. I feel bad because all I would talk about was the break up I was going through. I don’t know, but he was there for me. People think that I did this on a whim, without thinking. Not true. I thought about it a lot. More than a lot of things I think through. It wasn’t out of spite, or for attention, or because he made me feel closer to Callie. It was for me and it was for him. We just came together, like it was meant to be right now. He makes me laugh every single second of every single day and that is such a big deal to me, laughter is. I can have my stupid sense of humor, and he will laugh at it. Or not…then laugh anyway. 🙂
My family doesn’t approve at the moment. I don’t even know if I have financial support from them anymore, totally. But, I can see why and so can he. Sometimes I get really insecure, but I have to remind myself that relationships never last like that. When you are in one, you need to be all in. 100%. One thing that does bug me, though, is that when my family or people in general say that I am with him for Callie. 1. Of course I would like her to see us together in the long term, but…2. we aren’t raising her. It would be different if we were 3. Being with him actually makes it harder. I see a lot of her in him, so it is hard to see and to be with someone I wasn’t with when I had her. I have to control my thoughts that things are best the way they are right now. So, no, it definitely does not totally have to do with that. That bond between us is there. It always will be. It only adds to our relationship and strength together. That’s it. I am with him for him and for me. Oh, and last but not least, NO. I am not going to get pregnant unintentionally or INTENTIONALLY. Everyone privately and publicly seem to think that. Well, it’s not true. That would be the most stupid and unfair thing I could ever do! To our families, to myself, to him, to the CHILD, and to Callie, most of all. It just is not going to happen. It isn’t.
Justin is making a complete effort, though. He is making a life for himself and doing what he can. I feel like I barely see him because he is always working. I have never seen him or ANYONE take this much initiative to do anything and I am honestly very pleasantly surprised. I am proud of him. Yes, it is hard for me to accept and forget the past, but I feel like it’s just something I need to do. Everyone deserves a second chance. I would want it.
This upcoming series of statements are going to be one of the most controversial ones I could probably make. I don’t know how to explain it with Justin. I feel like I can be adventurous and fun around him. I feel like he brings out the best in me, at times. I can tell he cares. Three years ago when Callie was conceived, as sad as I am to say this, it was not out of love, as it usually is not with teen pregnancies. We were not in love. I feel like this time, we are doing it right. There are so many feelings I have never experienced before with Justin, as stupid as that sounds. I haven’t experienced them with him or anybody else. They are new to me. It’s different with us. This seems small, but it means a lot to me: Justin is the first guy to ever get me roses. He even remembered in small talk that I said I loved pink roses versus red. For Valentines Day I was surprised with some pink roses and a nice dinner out. I don’t think I’ve actually felt so nervous for a “date” in a long time either. I can be myself around him, yet he still makes me nervous and gives me butterflies, I guess. Corny, I know. But it’s true. Just everything about Justin, I love. Even the things that get on my nerves ; ) Just kidding. I love being at his house and hanging out with friends and “family.” It just feels right this time.
Seeing Justin turn his life around makes me so proud and I tell him all of the time. He is a good son to his mom, friend, and boyfriend / friend to me. He treats me perfectly, but is not afraid to tell me what I need to hear whether I like it or not and he is usually right. I feel like his choices that he makes are better than mine sometimes. I have never tried so hard to go about a relationship the right way. With him, I have so much fun and I’ve never felt so right. If people could just see how much we care about each other and how this time it is real between us, both. I don’t know. Now I am just rambling.
I am happy. I am sad that I might have possibly disappointed my family, but we are family and we still love each other. Like I said, my insecurities could eat me alive sometimes, but I am working through it all.
Anyway, I am doing better than I have in a while. I am doing good with my feelings towards the adoption. I am looking at the positive side of things and at how happy my baby girl is! I have been having so much fun with friends, etc. I am doing good in school…I think (just kidding) and I am going to therapy once every week or every other week. (sorry mom…lol $) I am also getting along a million times better and building a stronger relationship with my mom. I am also working on my faith and I pray as much as I can remember to. For once in a very, very long time, I feel almost together. I feel empowered. No one can take that away from me. I don’t know what it is, I really don’t…
I just want to thank anyone who has ordered or bought the book so far! Your support means the world to me! If you’d like, and some have, send me a picture of you with your book, the book on shelves, anything you want!
For those wondering, you can pick up Bittersweet Blessing at your local bookstore or order through Amazon!
The winner of the autographed book giveaway is…Megan Velasquez! Congratulations!
Megan is a laid back 20 year old from Arizona! Megan is currently unemployed because she was committed to taking care of her niece for the first year of her life! Megan will soon start college this year in hopes of pursuing a degree in photography. Megan has a loving, kind, and helpful heart and in her spare time loves to help out her sisters with her little nieces. Another passion of Megan’s is helping children that require special needs and giving back to the community. When she is not with family, Megan is with her friends probably listening to her favorite artists Jordin Sparks or Selena Quintanilla.
Again, Congratulations Megan and thank you so much for you support! You definitely deserve this prize!