“God, grant me…”

Jack’s Mannequin – There, There Katie

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I need help.  I don’t even enjoy writing anymore.  I don’t even know why.  I feel like it’s useless and writing doesn’t even help anymore.  I’m not even good at it.  Not anymore.

I am happy with my life at the moment, but I feel like I am missing something and I don’t know what it is.  I feel like when I am sad or upset, I find something to be upset about, but when I dig deep down within myself, I think it’s about Callie.  I lost my main source of income, and I can’t afford the counseling that I was getting.  Justin says I need help, and I know.  I do need help because he isn’t the only one that is saying it.  I really am a lot better with the situation, especially with Justin there to help me, but I really do feel like a huge piece of me is just missing.  I would love to have Callie running around here every day.

I am scared, because this sadness is pushing itself onto something else such as my weight, insecurities, body image, stress, school, or anything else that I am “unhappy about” every single day.  I am scared because whatever the sadness pushes itself onto is affecting everyone around me and pushing them away.  Justin and I have been arguing, and I don’t even know why.  Probably because he thinks I’m not happy and it hurts so much to not be able to make the one happy.  I am sure he feels it and i know I definitely feel that way about him.

I want to get better and I want to be happier.  I am so insecure with myself.  I just feel like I can’t be 100% confident with my body and who I am or what I have.  I am always striving for perfection and the next best thing.  I want to be happy again.  I mean, like I have said before, I am happy with what I have now.  I love Justin.  I am blessed to be in school and living in a nice place.  I don’t know what it is.

I think the time I was happiest in my life was when I was pregnant had Callie.  It was stressful, but I was still happy.  I would bounce back from the sadness and knew that I had something there that was so absolutely perfect and beautiful.  Why can’t I do that now?  I have no idea.  I want to.  I try to.  I felt so complete and she turned my life into something that it was never going to be without her.  Everything I am doing, that I do not want to do is for her.  I’m sure she would want to see me happy too, and I know she would want to see Justin and I together as well.  I love him and I do not want to ruin what we have either.  Please, help me.  Pray for me.  Anything.  I want to be secure in myself and who I am.  I don’t want to get mad over things that aren’t worth getting mad about.  I want to control my temper and my actions and my thought process.  At least I can recognize it, and the next step is just fixing it.

I am so happy when I get to Skype Callie.  She always turns my mood around.  She is so beautiful, smart, and big.  She has the biggest sense of humor that I have ever seen in my life, especially from a baby.  I love seeing her happy.  I do.  A part of me just feels like I could be the one making her happy.  Who wouldn’t?  It still kills me to not be able to see her every day.  I think about her every single day and I pray for her all of the time.  Sometimes when I think of her, I cry, and other times I just smile, or brush the thought off all together.  My mom told me that it would get easier as time goes on.  A lot of people have said that.  In a way it is, but in a way, every day it gets harder.  It really does.  I just want to be okay with the things I cannot change.  I want to be 100% happy again.

28 thoughts on ““God, grant me…””

  1. Ashley,
    Keep You Head Up Pretty Girl!
    Things Will Get Better With Time!
    I Promise,Just Take It Slow,Think Things Through,And Stay Busy!
    Try New Things To Stay Busy If You Need Too!And.Talk To Friends!
    And.What About You Not Writing?You Just Wrote A Bunch!Write More!
    I Miss Your Writing!And.It Might Make You Feel Better To Write More And More!
    Much Love And Prayers Sent Your Way!Air Hugs!Your BEAUTIFUL! <3 Amy Harmon

  2. It probably won’t get easier Ashley but maybe someday it will stop getting harder ya know? I know it has to be brutal knowing you’re baby is out there growing up without you even though you get to see her. Callie is healthy and happy and it’s such a gift that you get to be a part of her growing up. Have you thought of contacting an adoption agency and seeing if any of them offer counseling or maybe group meetings? It could help being around people that have been through something similar and are still healing. I think you should definitely keep writing even if you don’t feel like it and even if you keep the entries private, it helps, trust me.
    Keep your head up<3

  3. Ashley, you know that I think you are way awesome and one of the bestest people I know. Sometimes things happen and we have to work through to get the problem resolved. Callie is understandably a big part of your life and you don’t get to be with her and that hurts but she still knows who you are and loves you and you are there for her and that is the most important thing. I’m probably not the best person to talk to but if you do want to talk I am always here for you. Maybe you should find other parents who have had their children be adopted and talk to them, they could offer you advice. Things will get better, hopefully soon. On a side note I totally have to come see you as a bartender, when I heard that I was like OMG, Ashley as a bartender.

  4. Ashley, You need to decide to take on the great and tough sides of parenting. You are the one who should be parenting your daughter if at all possible. Your teen mom episode is enough evidence for you to show proof that you were extremely coherst by those that did not know better than to interfere with your motherly instincts. Your Aunt and Uncle can care for her in the same situation they have left you in. They have proven great people, SO ARE YOU. No one should have done anything but support you in any way possible as a parent to YOUR daughter. Life is as long as it is short, raise your girl your way sweet mama.

  5. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I know where you are coming from as well; although I didn’t give up my daughter she was taken from me. Everybody tells me the same thing. It has now been almost 3 yrs that i did leave her behind to try to better myself, even though I didn’t have a choice on leaving her or not. It has not gotten better. She is a part of you and will always be a part of you do until she is yours again you will always feel incomplete. My daughter is my world and when I’m with her I feel like life is complete. But without her I’m missing something. So in the end your not the only one out there in case you thought you were at some moments. Again your in my thoughts and prayers.

  6. Ahhhh the Serenity Prayer! I know it well! If you do what it says to do, it will make a profound change in your life.

    One of the many reasons people become unhappy is because they live in the past or base their present happiness on the past. We cannot change the past, however, we can learn from it. Living in the past is like driving forward, but looking in the rear view mirror to do so. It’s only a matter of time till you crash! Briefly looking to the past will show how far we’ve come or need to come to where we want to and need to be, but living there isn’t good.

    When people get angry, it is really that inside they are fearful, frustrated and experiencing “pain”. I believe that is really why you are getting angry. Nothing or no one can change that you had given birth to Callie! You have a bond with her that no one will ever have. She will always love you deeply because of such. Let go of that fear!

    We can offer support, however the only person who can change the way you are feeling, your situation is you. The stories we tell ourselves of why we aren’t happy, can’t be happy are what is holding you back. The if only’s, would have beens, could and should have been’s. What stories are you telling yourself? How long/much have they held you back from your goals, dreams? What needs to change there and what are the many ways you can do so?

    Happiness is all around you! Embrace it! You are a beautiful inside and out. Stop selling yourself short! It only takes a moment to change, you just have to say NO MORE! I want and deserve better for myself and I need to be the best me I can be for ME! Yes, of course Callie wants you to be happy so why are you sabotaging yourself from being so?

    The change you write you want will only happen when you decide to be so. Saying is one thing but actually taking action to make it happen is what will make it real. What action will you take right now in that direction and how great will you feel after you do? What is your plan to continue the momentum after?

    I will keep you in my prayers!

  7. Hi,

    Sorry to hear that your struggling with stuff at the mo. When stuff is hard and you cant deal with it. I find that praying to God helps. Just talk to him all your thoughts and ask him to help you accept the circumstances and for it not to hurt. I have been through some dark times and this keeps you going.

    If poss going to counselling is the best thing as it helps to get out all the stuff inside that you are struggling with. I see that this is not possible due to your finances (you could always as God for finances for this) Other stuff you can do is read books/ stuff on the net about adoption and loss. From reading stuff it helps you to understand what it goes on for you, how your feeling etc.

    Anyways I will stop ranting now! I hope that you find peace with your decision and that your happier in your next blog.

    Bex XO

  8. I relate to you a lot. Not because i had the same experiences but because i have felt the same way you are feeling… Stay strong Ashley, remember that you wont find happiness anywhere or with nobody.. happiness lives within you! You and no one but you can make you happy. You just have to accept things and understand you cannot control everything, nobody can.

    Also remember that things are meant to be, and in the future you will see backwards and understand better the situation.

    If you have the chance to read some Kadampa books, or go to a Kadampa center. It really helps understanding life (im not the religious type, but this was really helpful to me)

    Ill keep you in my prayers.

  9. Ashley, i have always supported you and your decision to place Callie for adoption. The feelings you are describing are depression, i know i have been there. When it is so hard to do everyday things as you describe, i am sorry hun but i think going to a doctor may be the best thing. If you want to do it without the first thing is to keep yourself occupied, the second is to seek help, talk to someone, anyway, get those feelings out. As for wanting Callie there, you will always want that, but think about how you are right now, she shouldn’t see that, she is in the best place for her. The joy she feels everyday is because of you, your decision to give her the best life possible. Think of that, only that and her happiness everyday and i am sure you will soon start to realise your life is worth living, if not for you, then for Callie. Also feel free to contact me anytime.

  10. I wish you had your baby. I wish you had full support and encouragement from your mom when you kept her for a month. I mean you did, but at the same time there was still that pressure of adoption. Which she probably felt because of a loyalty to her brother as well. I agree with Deanna. You were coerced. If there’s any way you can get your daughter back, if your aunt & uncle are secure and strong enough to give her back to you…. do it. You really need to put yourself first for a moment because you & Callie belong together. It might piss off your family and it might really hurt people but as one of my favourite song lines goes “sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same”. It will be hard for people, but you’ll be righting the wrong of not raising your daughter. You know that in your heart very well. Don’t listen to the words people have to say, they don’t know as well as you. It doesn’t matter about who feels entitled to her as a parent, it doesn’t matter who has done more “work”/parenting, it doesn’t matter what a piece of paper says. You know what is right in your heart, because it hurts and feels so wrong everyday.

    I wish you never met with that adoption counsellor at the start of your pregnancy or at the end when you gave her up the second time. They are all trained to push for adoption. I don’t think they consciously know that’s what their training entails. I think they believe they really are letting it freely be the woman’s choice. But they are really coaching them towards relinquishment. I hate that people try to put it into a young moms head that they are selfish for wanting to keep their baby. The pregnant mom is a person too. SHE IS A PERSON TOO. IT IS HER BABY. HER DESIRES ARE 100000% VALID AS WELL. There are two people in the scenario, mom & baby, both their needs and desires are equally valid. You’re never going to be 100% happy without your baby in your care Ashley. I’m sorry. I hope you get her back. But if people won’t let that happen, you can still work to get as close to that 100% as possible. I am thankful you have a familial adoption because you will ALWAYS be in Callie’s life.

    Also it’s funny cause you still write well and express yourself well :p judging from this post anyway. It’s very clear by the way that you are struggling with body image issues. I’ve struggled with an eating disorder since I was 13… what a long road that has been. It’s so good you recognise how blessed you are though. Because you really are. But life still has struggles.

    I want to recommend a book to you that has really helped me with a lot of the things you’ve mentioned…. body image, life struggles, relationship struggles, not getting upset over little things. I also worry for you and how you are handling this relationship. The hardest thing for me to learn and realize is that a relationship and love should be an extension of your happiness, not the source of it. Anyway the book… it’s called “The Eternal Journey: How Near Death Experiences Illuminate Our Earthly Lives”. It’s a study on people who have died and come back to life and they share the experience they had while they were dead. They put it all together like an essay or a case study… it’s explained in the intro. THe book is started by a doctor who did not believe in consciousness or afterlife and was baffled by these things his patients would tell him. It’s not a religious book by any means it’s just… people sharing their experiences. It’s not meant to prove anything but for me I’ve just found it’s help me realize some things about how to live your life as a human… regardless of what you may or may not believe happens afterwards or what it all means. It’s just helped a lot. Don’t go into it looking for anything though just… keep an open mind. It can mean different things to different people but I know for a lot of them it’s helped them to become better with their lives and understand why they have life struggles and work through them as best as they can.

    Best wishes to you Ashley

  11. Also… the serenity prayer… could not apply more to your adoption situation. The courage to change the things you can. Courage. You’ve already shown you have a lot!

  12. Callie won’t be a child forever: one day she will grow and see what you did for her and all the pain you are suffering to be a complete mom despite the adoption. She will understand everything you are feeling in these years and the following: that day, she will love more that you can image and you won’t remember these moments. You will forget all, like a light, dark dream. I’m sure. She’s a smart child, you said, and she is with your relatives and you can stay with her whatever you want, she even calls you “mamy”, it seems I read: well, do you know what does it mean? It is a talent that Jesus gave you to make it grow, and now you only have to do it with all the love that a woman can give to her sweet, lovely, beautiful, squeezy-navel daughter. God will pay you back, be sure, and you will finally have your daughter forever.

    Apologize my english mistakes; plenty of hugs from Italy.

  13. Hi Ashley,
    My name is Sarah, from Australia. I’m 24, studying my final year of architecture. I just watched your ‘where are they now’ online during a study break. I know I’m not totally up to date with your story and I’ve only quickly read a couple of your blogs, but I just wanted to congratulate you for having the bravery to give both you and your child an excellent opportunity at life, AS WELL as make your Aunt and Uncle so happy! I’ve watched a few “16 and pregnant” shows now and I feel that most of the girls let their emotions make their decisions, which might seem right day to day, but as an outsider watching their initial episode and their ‘where are they now’, I just feel like sometimes in the long run that it’s not the best choice for them or their child. Your Aunt and Uncle seem to be great parents to Callie, and it is so wonderful that they encourage you and Justin to spend heaps of time with her. I think you need to remember that families are not like they used to be. We live in modern world. There’s absolutely no reason why Callie can’t have two mums and two dads. And what a lucky little girl she will be for it. When she grows up, she will understand, and she will be grateful. I’m sure you will be very close to her , and important to her, your whole life, no matter what.

  14. Ashley, please post your contact information or send me an email message if you need help. You do not know me, but I completely understand how debilitating your situation has become for you.

  15. Im sorry to hear its so bad and back to the beginning it seems before you had therapy. I agree with Uhh. above BUT I think that you DID try to get Callie back, and I think that you found that when you signed those papers that was it. No going back. Ive followed your blog enough to figure it out even though you never wrote the details about it. They have all these rights that you dont have. Im really sorry Momma!
    I see adoption so differently now. Way more brutal. Your blog got me curious about other adoption stuff. You know, the mothers side. The side nobody ever follows up on? YOUR NOT ALONE. There are others women who know what your going through. Try reading… just check it out…


    So if you havent already, maybe finding, reading about other women with similar feelings will help. Because your therapist can help you learn good tools on coping and blah blah but Im sure she/he cant RELATE to you. Your in a tiny aweful club Ashley. I dont think that the pain of losing Callie will ever go away. You made a life altering decision. Why did your mother think that giving your daughter away so that your life wouldnt be “ruined” ACTUALLY wouldnt ruin your life? Oh but everyone said that she would be better off. REALLY?? Come on, you could have given her all of that with some support. Geez You werent a fricken crack head. She could of had a great life plus be with YOU! And you know that now. Now that your older. YOU KNOW THAT. Your angry the adults in your life disregarded how amazing you are. Acted like your connection wasnt EXACTLY like the connection they had with their children. I get all pissed when I think about it. OF COURSE ITS FU#!*NG WITH YOU!! But you love them, and everyone had good intentions. It came from a good place. YOUR WORKING ON IT AND ITS COMMENDABLE. Please be kinder to yourself.

    But I dont think the desire to be with her is going to go away.
    You should try to see Callie as much as you can. Imprint yourself on her. Im really mouthy and pushy so I probably would be living with your auntie and uncle right now. Try to get even closer girl. Might as well, you love her and want to be with her. Life sucks when you try to stay away..

    Your writing is fine. Your body is fine. Giving your baby away has traumatized you. Your putting the focus on self loathing. Stop it. Unless its a coping mechanism and it makes you feel better. Whats the alternative lesser women would have turned to? Drugs and alcohol. So… keep pinching your tiny baby fat rolls. But keep on trying to get your school and life on track. You’ll have kids and a husband one day. It will make your days away from your first true true love a little easier. I promise that you will love them as profoundly as you love Callie.
    Please at least seek some other ladies that can relate to you..
    Hugs. Hope you feel better.

  16. I will always see you as Callie’s momma. Even though it’s been about three years, I firmly believe you were wronged with your situation. In the awkward and painful situation you have been put in, you truly do not have many viable options. Getting her back isn’t possible I assume (or fair?), and being apart is painful-and adoption or not, nobody should leave you in such a painful situation. At this point, maybe your best option is to do whatever you can to be able to see her every day. Your family will understand. Packing up and moving with Justin to Harlingen, switching schools, all of those.changes will be made so you can be the influence you strive to be for Callie.

  17. I’ve been reading your blog for some time. It is understandable that you have grief associated with giving up your daughter for adoption. What’s sad is how tightly you hold that grief. How little progress you seem to be making in dealing with that grief. Please find a way to get back in counseling. Not having your daughter with you every day is always going to be bittersweet, but it’s time to find a way to move on and let go of this profound grief that you carry. It’s time to see the light and grasp tightly to what you do have today! You have a daughter that may not be growing up in your house, but she’s growing up knowing you and you her, and you have a chance to see and interact with her regularly. I just hope you can find happiness, because no one else can give you that, you must find it from within . . .

  18. I’m just a stranger to you but your story has really touched me. I admire your strength and your courage. Courage belongs not to those cold-hearted souls who never feel, but to those who feel deeply but do the right thing anyway. I am praying for you to be filled with God’s peace and love.

  19. Ashley,
    Quite a while back I read through all of your entries. At that time, I was kind of living in a fog of feeling unsatisfied with life. I was kind of living in a day to day daze. Personally I had gotten through the teen years, post-secondary, married and have a child, and a career, and still ended up feeling this way. I have talked to many people that express these same feeling of dissatisfaction in life. In the days where you have hopes and dreams for the future, you live wanting the future to be present. I can’t wait until______ , If only _____ happened, then everything will be great. If only I look like __________, then I’ll be happy. If I am married then life will be good. If I have another child, then life will be good etc…. THEN WHAT? When my child moves out, then I’ll feel good? Then you start working backwards….Wasn’t it so good when I wasn’t married? Wasn’t it better when the kids were home?

    The thing I have noticed about you is that you have guts to share your feelings. You express your dissatisfaction. You are honest with people. You are real with people. Also, you may feel these feelings now, but others will start to feel them once the excitement of life starts to fade.

    The problem is, even when you HAVE attained all you think you want, you will find yourself feeling like either 1) It still doesn’t satisfy or 2) It didn’t turn out the way you had planned…therefore you are still dissatisfied. For example, my plan was to have 3 or 4 kids. I have only 1. This was not my plan. So, now I am dissatisfied. Can I get over this?

    My point to all of this is: Nothing in life will satisfy.
    There is only one thing that you can ACTUALLY DO, that will make life more meaningful for a life time. Not a temporary fix, but a complete 180 in thinking. I have experienced this change. My life felt confusing, boring, empty….but my perspective has changed. It is no doing of my own, except for making one choice. You may have heard this before, I don’t know. But truly there is an amazing God who is so awesome and powerful and compassionate and loving that he cares for you so much. Even when we don’t care for ourselves, he cares for us. He may feel distant, but he is there with his arm stretched out to you. He is waiting for you to start seeking Him. He won’t force you. I lacked peace and joy. Out of everything I just wanted true peace and true joy. God is the only one who can give you these things. I started seeking the Lord, crying out to him and believing in his power to save. Thanking the Lord for paying the penalty for my mistakes so I can live free with the no shame, guilt, condemnation. I started feeling peace and joy again. I pray that you will take these same steps. These feelings only happen once you really believe that Jesus (who is God’s son), paid the price for your mistakes by dying on the cross. You need to simply accept this gift. He will fill you with the holy spirit which will then work on these areas of hurt in your life. It is unbelievable but so incredibly necessary to live life with true peace and joy.

  20. You’ve gotten a lot of good support here, all of which I agree with. You were coerced, you had no one on your side building your confidance as a parent. I’m so sorry I didn’t know how to help you. I wish I had had money to send, the right words, the ability to mentor and support you and fight the sweet talking adoption advocates and Dr. Drew style praise of those who “couragously”place their children (so moms who parents aren’t couragous?) But I didn’t know how. I just came across as franticand desperate to stop you from placing– which I was. I hope you understand now why I did that. It wasn’t helpful to the situation, unfortunately, because it didn’t work– but I really genuinely just wanted to save you from thisfate. Because, unfortunately, the loss is something will be an ongoing part of your life now. Each new woman who places thinks it won’t be them. Thinks the yucky hurting birthmoms who don’t like adoption are just crazy pants and exagerating. And then…comes the pain. I am sorry you are one of us now. I hope some day, our society can collaborate as mother’s who have lost children this way and provide REAL support– the kind we really needed– to pregnant women without mentors, without family support, without a supportive living space. I believe in supportive housing for new mothers and I think if it’s created by women who can identify what was missing that would have helped us parent WELL, believe in ourselves and really get the emotionally and financial support and guidance we needed— we could change the fate of other women. Who never need to learn about this form of suffering.

  21. Love the most recent comments on here.

    It’s true, Ashley was coerced. She didn’t have proper support. But none of her family had poor intentions against her… they were just doing what they THOUGHT was right. But they were misguided and lacked education on it which is too bad.

    I really feel that Ashley would not have strongly pursued adoption if she didn’t see Catelynn & Tyler do it on MTV. I think she’s mentioned that before too. C&T were coerced and brainwashed by an adoption agency. Even as they sit there with tears on their face from grief they say “this is the best thing”. Now they’re so brainwashed they campaign for adoption. Sad.

    Ashley’s situation is unique because she didn’t get a full dose of the kool aid. She started the adoption process with Gladney (an agency just as shit as Bethany) and received “counseling” from them. So for the first while she was under their coercive counseling. The same typical agency shit

    Counselor: “What do you want to give your baby?”
    Pregnant woman: “A stable home, two parents”
    C: Is that something you can do right now?
    PW: No, I haven’t even finished school
    C: Aw well don’t you want the best for your baby? *hands PW a glass of kool aid* It’d be so hard for you to support yourself and your child. You’ll struggle financially, emotionally. You said you want stability for your baby. You can give her that through adoption. It’s such a strong, selfless choice. I admire you.
    PW: Well… I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want to be a bad mom or a bad person. There are people who have more money than me right now and would love this “gift”. Hey what’s in this drink?

    6 months later – BAM. Birthmothered.

    Ashley escaped the full on coercion, but she got the bearings. She didn’t get more “support” from the agency. She didn’t get to choose or meet any potential adoptive parents to feel indebted to, which is all part of the coercion. She’s lucky in that sense cause at least her baby is with family. But it put her in a very awkward situation where she didn’t quite have enough kool aid to fight her STRONG motherly instincts, but she had enough to still make her wanna do “the right thing”. SHe didn’t have enough though to stop her from getting her baby back a few days after relinquishment. The grief was too much and all she wanted was her baby. Could not function without her baby. Women who receive enough counselling/brainwashing can resist that urge after reliquishment, even though it kills him. Luckily Ashley was free to relieve that urge and regain a large amount of peace by having her baby again. But then it brought her back to the same turmoil as before and she couldn’t commit to a decision. It wasn’t until THE ADOPTION AGENCY COUNSELOR came to talk to Ashley for “support” after she had Callie for a month. The agency had nothing to do with processing her adoption but this woman came to talk anyway (I imagine the agency encouraged it for the publicity). Now this is the key part. Now this adoption counselor has no stake in this adoption. There’s no “sale” she’s responsible for so she could give unbiased advice. But she uses the same adoption agency lingo and thinking and Ashley decides to relinquish again. This woman doesn’t know anything BUT to encourage adoption. This is important because it needs to be understood that the coercion and brainwashing that goes on in major agencies these days is not the fault of the counselors, the mothers, or adoptive parents. It’s the adoption INDUSTRY and the people in the higher-up’s. They know it’s about money, they know it’s about baby selling, and they know that they need to develop methods to make this happen. Subtle coercion is the way. It needs to stop.

  22. I think you need help. I’m not saying that to be mean, and I know that you’ve heard it so many times before, but you really do need the help. I don’t know what you’re going through and I don’t have similar circumstances, but I’ve definitely been in the place that you are now. I think you may suffer from some sort of mental illness. I am no doctor, but you show all of the signs. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, etc. I was once in a really really bad place and the only thing that helped me was getting on medication and just knowing that my doctor was going to try to help me out. Look into medicade or medicare. Also look into doctors that are cheap when you don’t have insurance. Every state has them, you just need to find the resources. Ask for help. Trust me, just knowing that you’re getting help will make you feel so much better.

    Support from Michigan!!

  23. sometimes I do not know what to do when I fall in a very dark valley. I’m also trying to find the light when darkness and I always fail. I think my life is very pleasant or not at all but I so far have not found the answer. may be the case we are. I am only a very few individual beings to believe in other people. because I was always disappointed I might be even like a robot now. I just need to be alone and enjoy my solitude to find the happiness.

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