I have a little blog on myspace. It’s really disorganized and basically consists of random single sentences or thoughts on anything and everything that pops into my head. My aunt Jen gave me an idea of creating a real blog to talk about everything I’m going through and willing to share. Maybe this can possibly help whoever reads it and know that we are all actually going through a lot of the same things. I have found tons of young girls in my situation and talk to them, and it has really helped. Okay, here goes.
As most of you know, Yes, I am pregnant. The terrible “rumor” that spread through the last month of school is unfortunately true. I’m seventeen and it was NOT how I pictured spending my senior year summer. Of course, it pushed me to take college classes, which I had wanted to do for years, just never got around to, but it kind of sucks that I am having to 50% do it, because I have no choice. Especially if I keep this baby, It pushes me even more to get an education. I don’t want to be working a boring, all day job that I hate, making little to no money. So, in that way, the situation is good. It is pushing me to better myself.
Anyway, everything pre-pregnancy, was definitely not worth the result. It really wasn’t. The “father,” if that’s even what you can call him, is a complete jerk. Go figure. Eighteen. Single. What would he want with a baby? That makes it that much harder. NOT because I want to be with him, but because I know how much easier it would be if I had extra help. But he is honestly the very least of my worries. Right now, I am focused on seeing a counselor; bettering myself, turning my 90% decision into 100% decision about what is best for this baby and doing well in school. Believe it or not, I’m actually TRYING to grow up, little by little, and figure this whole thing out.
Let’s think back: the day I found out, was crazy. I was already atleast a month along. Little did I know, I was about to cross the very first hard thing I would ever have to do in my life, and that was accepting I was pregnant, and facing my family. They were a lot more supportive than I thought, but I will NEVER forget the look on my mothers face. She saw the pregnancy test before I did, and it was awful. The next hard thing, telling the father. He seemed nice at first, but that was soon to change. I called him bawling, because I was clueless, and of course, he was just as clueless as I was. It was kind of offending how he said I was “obsessive,” because, at first, i honestly probably did come off as desperate. I was seventeen, it was the first day, it hadn’t settled in, and I was honestly just torn and confused. It was the first thing I could think of, was to go through this together. I’m so glad it didn’t work out that way. The next decision, Abortion vs Adoption.
Before you judge, most of you who read this haven’t been through this. You probably don’t realize when you arent prepared, it is a mistake, and aren’t in “love” with the father, EVERY option has to run through your head. Deep down, I knew though, I couldn’t go through with the choice of an abortion. I decided to take the hard route and pay for my mistake; and MAN, am I paying! I could sense, everybody was happy about THAT decision.
And ultimately, I am left with what seems like one of the hardest decisions anyone will have to make. Adoption vs Keeping it. At first I was so dead set on adoption. I couldn’t possibly take care of a baby. I can hardly take care of myself. I just couldn’t do it. When i told my mom, and she asked if I was positive, I told her yes and started looking for couples looking to adopt. Later, after we had another, of MANY, conversations, i remember her exact words when she asked again if I was sure and assured me it would have to be the hardest decision I would ever have to make. “Okay, Ashley, I will ask you again in a few months when your baby starts kicking.” HAHA, OH PLEASE, I thought. I’m so set on adoption, I could never get attached. Wrong. Just a short 3 months later, without even having a first noticable move, I can’t count how many times I’ve cried and cried over the thought of giving this baby up. It is in fact, the hardest decision. Mother is alsways right. The doctors appointments make it that much more real, also. Ultrasounds, hearing the baby’s heart beat, seeing it move, and grow. Ugh. I could cry right now, thinking about it. It is not it’s fault it is here. It didn’t ask to be here. It is so innocent. It’s so alive, and yet, it doesn’t know a thing. But i’m going to move on from that.
This section is going to be short because, I am definitely not ready to go into this in full: Right now, adoption could seem like the best option. It won’t have a father, and i DEFINITELY DO NOT want a father that is going to be in and out of my baby’s life. It will never, ever have to go through what I did. I don’t want it ending up like me. Of course, It will have many male figures, EVEN right here in the area, but it might not be the same. Another thing, is my emotional state. Am I ready to take on this stressful challenge? Am I willing to not be able to participate in family vacations for a while? Skip out on going out with friends? I don’t know yet. I hope so. Because, I just can’t bring myself to hand this baby over. But then again, it’s about the baby. Not me. =[
BUT, on the plus side, it is kind of neat, seeing myself grow, and knowing that i am taking care of ANOTHER life, other than myself. And the changes are crazy, and almost funny. I can’t have caffiene, I lived on tea and coffee. I can’t have mercury, I love tuna. I can’t have ceaser dressing, hot dogs, and many other random foods I loved and ate all the time that I haven’t mentioned. Sweets dont appeal THAT much, so that’s good. The thought of BACON, or CHIPOTLE, (oh god) make me throw up. I’m addicted to strawberry. Strawberry milk, strawberry shortcake, strawberry yogurt, strawberry shakes, ice cream, and straight strawberries. Anything with strawberries is wonderful. (:
Overall, this baby has been good to me. I get little cramps every now and then, and three out of four women get morning sickness. I was one of four that didnt! I only got sick once. It was great.
Overall, it was nothing that you can imagine, without experiencing first, and it’s not all THAT bad.
I think that’s it for now. I don’t know how long I have been writing. But thank you aunt jen. This helped! Thank you for all of your help lately. I love you.
And thank you, EVERYBODY ELSE, friends, everybody! Your support means the world to me
-Ashley Danielle Salazar