This takes courage

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I honestly don’t even know where to start this, but I’m going to come straight out and say it.  I have an alcohol problem and that roots from other problems, as well.  I first started drinking when I moved away for college to New York at 18 and since then, my alcohol intake has been out of control.  It was just months after Callie’s adoption and I was so depressed.  Little did I know that a gradually, over the course of a few years, I would ruin relationships and start to notice people falling off all around me.

The beginning of my problem

The first time I ever got drunk I ended up crying on the kitchen floor of my apartment.  After that, I found myself drinking alone, straight from the bottle of vodka.  I would get sad and drink.  I would sneak vodka into my dorm room, as many other people would, but I would sit there and chug it by myself.  A lot of New York was a blur, honestly.  I had my first real hangover when I woke up in a bathroom stall at a random Colombia University dorm, without any recollection of the night before.  I told myself, “I was never drinking again,” but of course that didn’t last as it never really does.  I didn’t recognize my binge drinking problem, but I found myself going through bottles upon bottles.  I could throw back shot after shot without a cringe and within 45 minutes I was making a fool of myself by 9PM falling on the floor before I even left the building to go out.  I started tallying the number of shots I did on my hand in a 10 minute period and it was disgusting. I was so depressed, crying by myself with my bottle of Skyy in hand and sinking slower and slower into depression. This was almost every night or every other.  Either way it was very frequent.  I would get mad when I couldn’t drink and I never learned to handle situations sober.  It’s a wonder how I passed anything.

Moving home

I finally moved back home because I realized, not that I had a drinking problem, but that I was depressed.  I saw a counselor in New York.  It was stupid.  It didn’t help.  But, I packed my bags to start a new life at The University of North Texas and back with my family.  I got an apartment close by family and I was happy temporarily but did the drinking stop? No. I moved to college, and a lot of college students binge drink and go through that stage, but looking back, mine was more than that.  I guess I was truly a depressed, spoiled little brat.  I would go to parties, end up the center of attention, chugging straight from whiskey bottles, tequila, vodka, beer cans, anything.  It didn’t matter.  Alcohol was alcohol.  Sure it was all fun and games, but when you wake up somewhere you don’t recognize or have no recollection of most of the events from the night before, that’s not okay.  It’s fun and part of a college experience every now and then, but for me, it was much deeper.

Later on

A year later, I met the love of my life.  The drinking got worse and worse because of our history and the cloudiness I had around my thoughts and resentment I held.  Looking back, I was really an unhappy person.  He made me happy like no other.  I never loved somebody so much so fast.  I have a whole blog post worth of notes about the moment I fell in true love with him just two weeks after we got back together after being off and on for 3 years prior.  I drank and I drank and I drank some more.  Unfortunately, it didn’t stop there and I was getting worse and sinking more and more.  I don’t even remember half of the ugly, horrible things I have said and it truly hurts to think about.  I’m not saying every moment was miserable.  There are some amazing memories and times from the past two and a half years.  There were times I wasn’t drinking much and trying to stop, but it never worked.  I enjoyed it.  I like the raw emotion that came from it, until I realized that the “raw emotion” was only good when it was the truth.  Every single horrible thing I’ve said or done, some when I was blacked out, some when I was not, was only from stupidity and truly “lack” of emotion.  Alcohol, for the most part had me acting like a mean person, which anyone who truly knows me, knows I can be the sweetest, kindest and most forgiving person.

The last straw

July 4, 2014.  See that photo, above? I was about 30 minutes to an hour away to being black out drunk for the rest of the night.  It was about 3:30PM and I hardly remember that photo being taken.  It’s hard to admit, but one of the last things I remember is sitting on the boat, telling the person I care about most I’m done with them.  Then I went and yelled and cussed at everyone else I cared about that was around.  Luckily, most forgave me the next day.  Later that night, I can’t even begin to tell you what happened, because honestly I’m not even sure how it went.  I’m embarrassed and shamed, but most of all, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for hurting everybody.  I’m sorry for holding grudges.  I’m sorry for letting it take this long for me to change.  I’m just sorry.  It’s all I can be and that was the last straw for me.  I have hit bottom, I feel like. I can’t believe that it took me this long to realize everything I had in front of me. I let alcohol and I let my spoiled rotten, immature attitude get the best of me.  My life was set out and planned.  I was going to be married sooner than later and start the next chapter of my life, but I was too clouded to see it.

Flash forward

Now, I am four days sober.  I am not saying I won’t ever drink again, because I would like to.  I still can’t figure out if that’s because it helps me feel better or it’s just fun.  I tell myself, once that I get right with myself and figure out who I am, I will be able to control my intake.  I don’t think that’s the case, though.

I’ve been so depressed the past few days.  I can’t eat, I can’t sleep.  I’ve had four small things in the matter of four days.  I want a drink, though. I can’t really stomach anything else, but I realize that one drink will turn into more and more and I don’t know what stupid thing I’ll do next especially in this state of mine.

But, if I don’t let that happen, I feel more at peace than I ever have – for making this decision, making amends with everyone I ever did wrong or held resentment against all of my years and realizing (truly) what needs to change.  I feel I could handle my liquor now, but a couple drinks at a restaurant for me turns into three, four or five.  Then I want to go to the bar, blow $50 more on $3 drinks and keep going.  I feel the pain when I drink.  I feel the pain of my biological father never being there, I feel the pain of Callie being gone, I felt the pain of my recent miscarriage, I feel the pain of relationships I’ve damaged because of my selfishness, spoiled acts and stupidity.  Then, to mask the pain, I keep drinking and act completely stupid.  It’s sad that through most of my photo albums, I was probably drunk or something in most of the photos.  So, no.  I can’t handle it yet, nor do I plan to.

I guess I have been raised a little spoiled and dramatic.  Those who know me are probably laughing saying, “Ha, a little?” I was treated as the only child and grandchild and to my sister and cousins for that, I am so, so sorry.  I was the child of a teen mother who needed help.  I didn’t grow up with that stability the rest of them had.  Then, I got pregnant at 17 and once again, attention was focused completely on me.   I have gone through a lot more than most people my age go through and I couldn’t handle it.  Someone told me, “You don’t know how to handle situations” and it’s true.  I didn’t.  I would react with stress and mean comebacks and snappy attitudes.

Thankfully, I’ve made amends recently with someone who was my best friend in throughout middle and high school.  We won’t ever be friends again, but letting go of that resentment leaves me at peace.  Same goes for my biological father, my mother and any others I’ve done wrong.  This happened over a month ago and it’s really made me happier, but recognizing substance abuse is the next step.  It’s sad when your family and your boyfriend’s family, even the young ones, start telling you these things as well.

I am not like this all the time.  When I’m sober, I do have my issues, but I feel like my judgement on situations has been so damn clouded.  Clouded enough to lose those who have tried so hard on me.  When family starts giving up on you, that’s the hardest part and it’s not just because of alcohol.  It’s because of who I am.  People say that you can’t change who you are, but when you start letting go of the toxicity in your life, whether its a person, a substance or your bad feelings inside, that’s when a person starts to change.

And, that’s what I’m gonna do.  I have to.  For Callie, my loved ones, but most importantly myself.  I made amends with everyone I have had issues with, but forgot about the most important people in my life.  I’m strong.  I can do this.  Whether people believe it or not, I do not care.  This is for me and I’m going to prove and show myself and hopefully everyone else that matters the amazing person that I can be and how much I can love and be there.

Phew, that felt good…

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